So Divorce... yikes. Not me.. don't fret my faithful followers. I'm 10 months in and I've so much to learn but I am in it for the long haul. I start this after a week of contemplating, praying and realizing that this marriage thing is real work. Real hard work... but it sure is worth it. I love my husband so much and I know that whatever we weather in hardships in our marriage we are going to work in out... as God intended.
So friends... in need. Well lets start with the probability of divorce. It's interesting because prior to my friend contacting me about the possibility of her divorce, I heard on the radio that those who have a history of cohabitation and marry afterwards have a higher percentage of ending up in divorce. Why is it that people who for years of living together when they marry all of a sudden can't stick it out.. I think it truly has to do with how we view the institution of marriage. I think that society has this very jaded, weak and wrong view of marriage. Please note I am stepping on my soap box but will end with theology and hopefully a renewed perspective on this ultimately a love letter from God in the form of a relationship between two flawed beings
Soap Box- Why do we find ourselves being okay with lowering our moral standards? We are too judgmental people will often say. We and when I mean we I mean the protestant community. Us with our bibles and on our high horses saying that these choices aren't right. We who want to redeem marriage and see the anticipation of lovers uniting on their wedding night.
Not so sacred anymore. Willingly we as in society let anyone in our door. Say that learning to live with someone takes practice and and so we by pass the ring and think playing house before the "I do's" relieves the sting. Wrong. the practice is superficial, surface level kids stuff that doesn't let the hard facts of truth and endurance show its face. The commitment before we run the race is tethered with uncertainty, disillusionment and a happenstance fate. What makes the golden 50 and the sweet 60 so hard to attain. These decades and decades of marriage all with work.. It's not just refusing to delay the satisfaction of sex, no that's a small part. What's real and offense its what's next. It's having a firm foundation in Christ and having his self-sacrificial standard of marriage. Knowing the example of how God sent his son to die for his bride the church. The intimacy of this love. A glimpse we're given when we have our spouse.
Society wake up. You see the benefits financially and the merger as if it's a business deal, right to inherit power, prestige or the lovey dovey rose colored feel - which lasts 5 seconds till the honeymoon is over. Well I'm over this. I'm no longer going to be okay with the marriage breaking down because you can't handle the life you're given. We need to redeem this beautiful gift. Stop sitting. It's time to dig deep, roll up your sleeves and shift. Done.
So this is the non ranting portion of my commentary.
My heart broke on Monday morning when my friend call me and said that she was probably going to end up in a divorce. As I digested and she poured out her heart, I knew the Lord was preparing me to minister to her and encourage her. My friend Ang has been married for 7 years and me a mere barely 10 months. What could I say that beneficial. How could I help and friend in this need other than to tell her I loved her and pray. My heart was in such sorrow for I knew that this would be a tough time, not because of the circumstances only but because of the lack of support. Support isn't a circle of friends or family who are there to tell you you are going to be okay. Support is real. It's someone to lean on and cry with. It's supernatural. Ang doesn't have a relationship with God and this will be hard in those days when the day is a muted gray and there is no sunshine, because you have no hope. God is what brings that to us. God brings amazing hope and strength when everything else is so bleak. Ang was going to have a rough time working on her divorce unless I said something. God says witness and testify about me and who I am and since Monday I have felt his call to encourage my beloved friend with passages that will encourage and challenge and draw her to Christ. I am praying daily that in the midst of working on her marriage that divorce is not how it will end... but as I've written to her I am praying that more than anything she will trust in God and have a relationship with the only one - who can begin to give her peace and strength. I am praying for the salvation of my friend, her husband and her kids. Only acknowledging that we are in need of a savior and a change in our lives to depend on a God who wants our worship, praise and honor will we realize that these trials are also a gift of God's grace to refine us... Ang doesn't know this yet, but God is calling her.
You know that Monday morning.. it's been a week now and I am not one to answer my phone... but when God wants to use you. You pick up the phone, listen and love. God continues to amaze me as I am being stretched to a place of compassion I never knew could exist.
Please those of you who read this pray for my friend and her salvation, her husband and his willingness to work on their marriage, he salvation , their kids' salvation and that God protects their daughters from any hurt and pain. Thank you in advance.
Also since Ang and I have been e-mailing, texting and talking she has been more curious about the bible, taking her kids to church and open to her kids believing and having hope. I am thankful for God's drawing her to him and the holy spirit convicting her. There will be more conversations to come. Pray I have words of wisdom-- aka not my words and that I am a good friend.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
CH..Ch...Ch.. Changes
Updates to my beloved readers...
HI Dini.
Sorry I'm really working on trying to be a consistent blogger and normally I love any and every opportunity to write and just vent poetically or prose style.
Recently I told you guys that I had some knee issues.. and I got the x-rays and no breaks; however that doesn't mean that I'm in the clear. If my knee goes out again I am to prompting go and get an MRI to see if there are any muscle tears. Here's to the knee behaving. Pray. So far it's been pretty good.
Work news. My jefe after coming back in January decided to quit and is no longer my boss as of this Friday.. Woah. I know scary news. I knew this was coming. Subtly is not his strong suit and although I knew it was pending, I was hoping there might be a change of heart and a reboot to his system. Not so. Meanwhile was does that mean for this worker bee. Well the possibility of advancement. Unfortunately after praying with my husband and waking up several nights in a row with an unsettling feeling if I were to apply and take the job, I decided to stay where I am. I turned down a salary job which seems crazy but for me it wasn't the job I was hoping or would want. Right now I'm realizing that if I'm ever to leave my current job which is the desire and follow the writing gig.. which is the dream.. I have to take risks. I have to be willing to stick it out where I am because that's where God wants me and then to be a light to my co-workers. I also have to be patient and as I've recently read in Jon Acuff's Quitter, I have to learn to fall " in like" with my job again. This has been hard but so many people have been praying for me and what an amazing spiritual family I have. Lately there has been a genuine smile on my face and I feel so much better. Trust me there are still "what the heck days" but I'm choosing to focus on my attitude and how I response versus how everyone else feels entitled.
Life news... well Adam and I still doing well. It's a daily process and I love it. There are some days when our personalities and communication styles clash but mostly we end our days content to be alive and saved and with each other.. Adam still enjoys his job although as he is reading Quitter -- I think he's realizing that he can do the entrepreneur thing.. --as his helpmate I'm always on board and will be there to help. But this is a process and will take time till be pay the debt down... should be end of this year..well then there's that pesky car of ours.. lady vic's( my car) backside was sagging and the ride was comparable to a water rapids ride at a theme park.. It was pretty bad today as I hooted and hollered as I went over the tiniest bumps. But as of 4 pm today she rides like a dream today... I'm so glad we were able to get that out of the way.. Still planning on riding this 93 crown vic till she can't ride no more.
Friend news.
Elisabeth's wedding.. Fun shopping and looking for a black dress with Leilani and Daphne.. silly baby is so picky when it comes to what I should wear. Looking forward to seeing my old roomie tie the knot. This will be an interesting unfolding of new beginnings.
Promo's-- praying for promo's for Chris and Ryan-Adam's friend. Proud of these guys and hoping that God opens the right door for them.
Oh baby.. well just praying for my friend and her little mexican hubby and their future baby.. i'm being vague for obvious reasons...
Happy Birthday Daphne. Had a fun yet chilly celebration with 50 or so of Daphne's closest family and friends.. wow.. I'm pretty sure I only knew my parents till I was like 2.. seriously I don't remember or have pics of me with other family till I was like 3 or 4.... anyways.. It was fun and I am rather fond of my neice.. I'm working up the nerve to eventually babysit.. but that's a ways from now.. currently I'm a pro at putting her in the car seat and stroller. First attempts were approximately 10 minutes with sweat beading down my face dripping onto Daphne as she scowls and wonders what the heck this woman- moi is trying to do and where on earth is mommy who can do this in her sleep. After our shopping trip. I was down to 30 seconds with the pacifier in the mouth. Applause now. Thank you.
Ministry News...
Well my beloved has been asked to be considered to be an elder at church. I'm so proud and happy for him. This is up to the church to vote on but whatever the outcome I'm glad for the recognition of his character and all his service and love for his church. Me-- nothing so far. I'm still praying about where the Lord wants me.. I'm thinking of approaching pastor about doing a workshop on finances.. I still need to pray and get the info on the FPU course. But I'm pretty encouraged with what it's been doing for our family and hope to encourage others who are struggling financially or need guidance.
That's all folks.. Thanks always for reading.
HI Dini.
Sorry I'm really working on trying to be a consistent blogger and normally I love any and every opportunity to write and just vent poetically or prose style.
Recently I told you guys that I had some knee issues.. and I got the x-rays and no breaks; however that doesn't mean that I'm in the clear. If my knee goes out again I am to prompting go and get an MRI to see if there are any muscle tears. Here's to the knee behaving. Pray. So far it's been pretty good.
Work news. My jefe after coming back in January decided to quit and is no longer my boss as of this Friday.. Woah. I know scary news. I knew this was coming. Subtly is not his strong suit and although I knew it was pending, I was hoping there might be a change of heart and a reboot to his system. Not so. Meanwhile was does that mean for this worker bee. Well the possibility of advancement. Unfortunately after praying with my husband and waking up several nights in a row with an unsettling feeling if I were to apply and take the job, I decided to stay where I am. I turned down a salary job which seems crazy but for me it wasn't the job I was hoping or would want. Right now I'm realizing that if I'm ever to leave my current job which is the desire and follow the writing gig.. which is the dream.. I have to take risks. I have to be willing to stick it out where I am because that's where God wants me and then to be a light to my co-workers. I also have to be patient and as I've recently read in Jon Acuff's Quitter, I have to learn to fall " in like" with my job again. This has been hard but so many people have been praying for me and what an amazing spiritual family I have. Lately there has been a genuine smile on my face and I feel so much better. Trust me there are still "what the heck days" but I'm choosing to focus on my attitude and how I response versus how everyone else feels entitled.
Life news... well Adam and I still doing well. It's a daily process and I love it. There are some days when our personalities and communication styles clash but mostly we end our days content to be alive and saved and with each other.. Adam still enjoys his job although as he is reading Quitter -- I think he's realizing that he can do the entrepreneur thing.. --as his helpmate I'm always on board and will be there to help. But this is a process and will take time till be pay the debt down... should be end of this year..well then there's that pesky car of ours.. lady vic's( my car) backside was sagging and the ride was comparable to a water rapids ride at a theme park.. It was pretty bad today as I hooted and hollered as I went over the tiniest bumps. But as of 4 pm today she rides like a dream today... I'm so glad we were able to get that out of the way.. Still planning on riding this 93 crown vic till she can't ride no more.
Friend news.
Elisabeth's wedding.. Fun shopping and looking for a black dress with Leilani and Daphne.. silly baby is so picky when it comes to what I should wear. Looking forward to seeing my old roomie tie the knot. This will be an interesting unfolding of new beginnings.
Promo's-- praying for promo's for Chris and Ryan-Adam's friend. Proud of these guys and hoping that God opens the right door for them.
Oh baby.. well just praying for my friend and her little mexican hubby and their future baby.. i'm being vague for obvious reasons...
Happy Birthday Daphne. Had a fun yet chilly celebration with 50 or so of Daphne's closest family and friends.. wow.. I'm pretty sure I only knew my parents till I was like 2.. seriously I don't remember or have pics of me with other family till I was like 3 or 4.... anyways.. It was fun and I am rather fond of my neice.. I'm working up the nerve to eventually babysit.. but that's a ways from now.. currently I'm a pro at putting her in the car seat and stroller. First attempts were approximately 10 minutes with sweat beading down my face dripping onto Daphne as she scowls and wonders what the heck this woman- moi is trying to do and where on earth is mommy who can do this in her sleep. After our shopping trip. I was down to 30 seconds with the pacifier in the mouth. Applause now. Thank you.
Ministry News...
Well my beloved has been asked to be considered to be an elder at church. I'm so proud and happy for him. This is up to the church to vote on but whatever the outcome I'm glad for the recognition of his character and all his service and love for his church. Me-- nothing so far. I'm still praying about where the Lord wants me.. I'm thinking of approaching pastor about doing a workshop on finances.. I still need to pray and get the info on the FPU course. But I'm pretty encouraged with what it's been doing for our family and hope to encourage others who are struggling financially or need guidance.
That's all folks.. Thanks always for reading.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
2013-- So many new things to do
Hey folks.. It's day three of the new year and I'm at home trying to be productive... I left work early today due the massive amounts of overtime my job does not allow me to have. So I was out at noon.. Party.. not exactly. I drove literally a block down the street to my doctor's office and waited to see if I could get in to see my doc about my crazy knee... she gave out on me yesterday like a horse about to be put down... sorry for you horse lovers but seriously I felt as if my knee was going to snap off..
It didn't
The remedy for the moment- my hand held massager-- thanks honey for the Christmas gift that keeps on aiding to my failing muscles.. then a few ounces of topical pain reliever and an ibuprofen on top of that. Well results.. some pain this morning as I hobbled to work but right now it's settled..
Doctor's results.. none. After waiting 2 hours and realizing that I was at the bottom of the list after the appointments and lady with chest pain issues.. mind didn't warrant moving ahead of hers.. which I kind of understand although for a lady with chest pain she was certainly composed and relaxed reading or playing a game on her ipad.. neverthless I left and have a doc's apt on monday and hopefully an x-ray telling me that it's nothing really serious... insert prayer here my network of family and friends reading this.
Meanwhile I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio- and I've been meaning to get this book by John Acuff - Quitter. It's about quitting the job you have and making steps to the work you love.. hopefully this will inspire me and my darling.
To recap... Astrid's mind frame these last few months in 2012...
Yikes I don't want to be a boss... oh wait before this thought.... early November. Well Astrid is trucking along and wondering how on earth long will she have to do this job that seems never-ending in it's work and unforgiving in the arena of catching up... well I'm officially 2 months behind and going into december it looks like I'll be 3 months behind. YAY!!!! she screams sarcastically in her office as the mounds of paper cramp her feet... I like a semi-tidy desk so my paperwork finds itself south of the border in my leg nook. Resuming... as I was screaming I realized I can only do what I can in the 7 hours I'm given... so the next question is... am I doing all I can and then after that am I going above and beyond still because my work isn't just for the men and women who sign my check... it's for God... So now it's weighing heavy on my heart that my attitude although at times warranted has been sub par in the testimony department.
December. Its gonna be tough. Prior to this month starting my boss already said he'll be on leave indefintely starting the 2nd week of Dec. What?!!! Indefinitely-- this later changes to 3-4 weeks. Well at first I'm thinking, on no he's bailing, jumping ship leaving me to deal with the current state of affairs.. thanks alot.
The whole picture...what exactly does this transition mean. The whole picture isn't seen by us.. the people in the game. We are only privvy to our story lines and even then we only really pay attention to the bits and pieces that are drastically affecting us.. we often miss out on the little lighter things that should shape and surprise us.. i digress into another tale... the whole pciture meaning-- at the advent of this news I am feeling deeply stressed, overwhelmed and uncertain about my being able to take this over... of course my husband ever optimistic and encouraging -- says I'll be a great boss... Great huh. Lofty.. I was good at best and even on certain days.. I'll take fair. Meanwhile, I become the boss which is a hat I've worn before; however not in these specific circumstances of uncertainty. Usually I would have a week and now I was looking at the possibility of being the boss for an indefinite amount of time. Fast forward to the departure date. I was definitely sore, sour, self pitying and other "s" words that are applicable and well I had a hard time of hiding my disdain for the role I would be thrust into...but then I realized I don't know the whole picture.
Here's some of the picture but still not the whole.. never the whole as I a working cog and only God reveals what he wants when he desires. Here's what I saw. I saw weeks of unhappiness-- not just me but my boss. Here's what was also happening. My boss was feeling inadequate and stress having so much thrust upon him and not the time either or the resources in staff to resolve the work... well here's another thing that I missed. I have a great and gracious Lord who revives me daily with his work and renews me and provides for my soul amazing nourishment when I am worn and weary.. my boss an unbeliever has no source of hope. He needed the time to rest. I would take this time to accept my role and pray for my boss, co-workers and the company, and most of the clients that we serve.
So here we are in January.. still working at this work thing, but taking much smaller bites and coming up with a more sustaining long term goal. I know that my desire to be at my job has waned but I am there to fill this picture until another enters in and my portrait is complete and ready to be hung as a memory.
Which leads me today... Knee is worse for the wear, not much I can do but focus on the things I can do.
This is a year of ticking... ticking ticking away at the little details of life that I can manage on a daily scale and look forward to the dreams in the future I'll be able to enjoy with my husband.
There will not be a resolution list... instead we have set goals to accomplish and we will...
1. debt free in 2013
2. planning for re-entry into college
3. make my husbands dreams a possibility
4. be a healthier leaner sweeter me
It didn't
The remedy for the moment- my hand held massager-- thanks honey for the Christmas gift that keeps on aiding to my failing muscles.. then a few ounces of topical pain reliever and an ibuprofen on top of that. Well results.. some pain this morning as I hobbled to work but right now it's settled..
Doctor's results.. none. After waiting 2 hours and realizing that I was at the bottom of the list after the appointments and lady with chest pain issues.. mind didn't warrant moving ahead of hers.. which I kind of understand although for a lady with chest pain she was certainly composed and relaxed reading or playing a game on her ipad.. neverthless I left and have a doc's apt on monday and hopefully an x-ray telling me that it's nothing really serious... insert prayer here my network of family and friends reading this.
Meanwhile I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio- and I've been meaning to get this book by John Acuff - Quitter. It's about quitting the job you have and making steps to the work you love.. hopefully this will inspire me and my darling.
To recap... Astrid's mind frame these last few months in 2012...
Yikes I don't want to be a boss... oh wait before this thought.... early November. Well Astrid is trucking along and wondering how on earth long will she have to do this job that seems never-ending in it's work and unforgiving in the arena of catching up... well I'm officially 2 months behind and going into december it looks like I'll be 3 months behind. YAY!!!! she screams sarcastically in her office as the mounds of paper cramp her feet... I like a semi-tidy desk so my paperwork finds itself south of the border in my leg nook. Resuming... as I was screaming I realized I can only do what I can in the 7 hours I'm given... so the next question is... am I doing all I can and then after that am I going above and beyond still because my work isn't just for the men and women who sign my check... it's for God... So now it's weighing heavy on my heart that my attitude although at times warranted has been sub par in the testimony department.
December. Its gonna be tough. Prior to this month starting my boss already said he'll be on leave indefintely starting the 2nd week of Dec. What?!!! Indefinitely-- this later changes to 3-4 weeks. Well at first I'm thinking, on no he's bailing, jumping ship leaving me to deal with the current state of affairs.. thanks alot.
The whole picture...what exactly does this transition mean. The whole picture isn't seen by us.. the people in the game. We are only privvy to our story lines and even then we only really pay attention to the bits and pieces that are drastically affecting us.. we often miss out on the little lighter things that should shape and surprise us.. i digress into another tale... the whole pciture meaning-- at the advent of this news I am feeling deeply stressed, overwhelmed and uncertain about my being able to take this over... of course my husband ever optimistic and encouraging -- says I'll be a great boss... Great huh. Lofty.. I was good at best and even on certain days.. I'll take fair. Meanwhile, I become the boss which is a hat I've worn before; however not in these specific circumstances of uncertainty. Usually I would have a week and now I was looking at the possibility of being the boss for an indefinite amount of time. Fast forward to the departure date. I was definitely sore, sour, self pitying and other "s" words that are applicable and well I had a hard time of hiding my disdain for the role I would be thrust into...but then I realized I don't know the whole picture.
Here's some of the picture but still not the whole.. never the whole as I a working cog and only God reveals what he wants when he desires. Here's what I saw. I saw weeks of unhappiness-- not just me but my boss. Here's what was also happening. My boss was feeling inadequate and stress having so much thrust upon him and not the time either or the resources in staff to resolve the work... well here's another thing that I missed. I have a great and gracious Lord who revives me daily with his work and renews me and provides for my soul amazing nourishment when I am worn and weary.. my boss an unbeliever has no source of hope. He needed the time to rest. I would take this time to accept my role and pray for my boss, co-workers and the company, and most of the clients that we serve.
So here we are in January.. still working at this work thing, but taking much smaller bites and coming up with a more sustaining long term goal. I know that my desire to be at my job has waned but I am there to fill this picture until another enters in and my portrait is complete and ready to be hung as a memory.
Which leads me today... Knee is worse for the wear, not much I can do but focus on the things I can do.
This is a year of ticking... ticking ticking away at the little details of life that I can manage on a daily scale and look forward to the dreams in the future I'll be able to enjoy with my husband.
There will not be a resolution list... instead we have set goals to accomplish and we will...
1. debt free in 2013
2. planning for re-entry into college
3. make my husbands dreams a possibility
4. be a healthier leaner sweeter me
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Figuring Things Out
Today I came home at 11:00 and I decided to think and pray about the future. I sat and watching the minutes tick away the first hour and found that to be unproductive. Then into hour 2 I actually prayed. I got under the covers, blotted out every spectrum of light and was lost in thought and in communion with God. Mostly I cried and tried to figure out why I hated my job and how I could possibly continue to work knowing that each day would be dreaded.
Today I cried at work in the first hour of being there and it was a crescendo of hurt, pain, overwhelming emotions and slight indifference to an unhappy work-life. I sat and spoke with my boss about my desire not to be at work. I appreciated him as a manager and did enjoy working for him, but I didn't enjoy my job because I haven't been able to do my job. I don't like the company we work for. He let me go for the day. My knee jerk reaction was...No...stay. You have 2 months of work piling up and it's only going to get worse...but as the tears streamed down, I realized I needed to be in a place to really think and worship and humbly ask God where he wanted me to be.
Today before I even went to work, I received a text from my dad saying that my grandmother isn't doing well. He told me she stopped eating 3 days ago and is very weak. I am sad but I still hope that my mother has been able to show her Christ's love and share the gospel with her. I don't know my Enang's( endearing term for grandmother/elder in Tagalog) heart but I have faith in a God who desires that we walk with him. Please anyone who reads this, continue to pray for her and my mother. I will know more by the end of this week.
Today has been a day of reflection and thankfulness. As I spoke with Adam when I came home, I was comforted by his support. I texted women in my immediate support/prayer group and I have been equally encouraged by their prayers.
Today I've been reconciling how I can glorify God with my labor. My job is a temporary situation and I know that at this time I am very discouraged by how the company's lack of assistance has left everyone carrying the burden of 2-3 persons and still requiring work completed on their time table and no real compensation or gratitude. I know financially Adam and I need for me to work. I've been asking God to show another route. I've been writing but I know this takes time and money and well...time.
Today I listened to my complaints and my cries and I knew God heard them even before the words formed and spewed from my lips. I heard the brokenness of a woman who desires so much to live glorifying God but not knowing what that looks like in the realm of work. I understand the concept of work and being employed, have been since I was 16. I am not ambitious. I am not seeking multi-million dollar status, but I want a meaningful work, where I serve my God. Now I know that in every job I've held I've been placed there by God for reasons to serve him in those seasons.. to witness, to love, to learn, to be burdened, to be convicted....
Today I asked God if I could serve him with the dream I've had for years. I've always wondered why it's been so easy for me to pen my thoughts and be able to relate to others how they are feeling with words, that sometimes I have trouble expressing verbally. Is it a gift? In my heart I have always felt that God would want me to use this connection with others. previously I wrote as a form of catharsis of coping and although I still find much solace in writing, in the past 3 years God has burdened my heart to write for him. Will my words ever encourage or inspire someone to look toward the Maker who inspires and challenges me daily. I don't know. Another thing. I'm not a risk taker. I know that where I am has been comfortable, albeit increasingly painful these last few months...but there is comfort in not changing, in accepting the status quo of one's life and living it quietly and not ruffling any feathers. Not that I going to begin ruffling feather nor do I know of any birds nearby that I would even begin this practice. I just want my days on the earth with is brevity constant and my days already being ticked away... I want them to be worth it.
There is the book I've been reading called Her Name is Woman -by Gien Karssen. It is Volume 1 of 2 books highlighting the women in the bible. I've read these scriptures before and of Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Penniah, Miriam, and Rebekah; however Gien breathes an unassuming spotlight of truth and relative candor that I've seen each one of these women in my life. Though I've never been a widow, or at the this point know if I'm barren, or had riches like the Queen of Sheba, or been so impoverished I've been waiting to die with one last meal, or a prostitute, I've seen that through their actions and motives, these womens' lives have laid a foundation for their families, the children and it several cases for several generations to come. I'm not hoping for the success of being a notable woman in history, for I know that it will be over soon enough. I just want to leave a legacy of following Christ. I think I'm most impressed by the women who are unnamed and who God puts into the account to show us that it was their faith, not their notoriety or fame...but the fact that they magnified his fame.
Today has been tough, but good.
As I peered from under the black covers, stripping away the comfortable cotton sheets to discover that I had not gone anywhere at all, but that I had gone to a place of love and was enveloped with a radiance that can only be described as good. I tore open the sheets and readied my heart for more conversations with the Lord. Even now as I reflect, and wait on his answer and guidance for my life, I am grateful for what he has given. His Son for me. His precious treasure for a broken jar of clay.
Today I cried at work in the first hour of being there and it was a crescendo of hurt, pain, overwhelming emotions and slight indifference to an unhappy work-life. I sat and spoke with my boss about my desire not to be at work. I appreciated him as a manager and did enjoy working for him, but I didn't enjoy my job because I haven't been able to do my job. I don't like the company we work for. He let me go for the day. My knee jerk reaction was...No...stay. You have 2 months of work piling up and it's only going to get worse...but as the tears streamed down, I realized I needed to be in a place to really think and worship and humbly ask God where he wanted me to be.
Today before I even went to work, I received a text from my dad saying that my grandmother isn't doing well. He told me she stopped eating 3 days ago and is very weak. I am sad but I still hope that my mother has been able to show her Christ's love and share the gospel with her. I don't know my Enang's( endearing term for grandmother/elder in Tagalog) heart but I have faith in a God who desires that we walk with him. Please anyone who reads this, continue to pray for her and my mother. I will know more by the end of this week.
Today has been a day of reflection and thankfulness. As I spoke with Adam when I came home, I was comforted by his support. I texted women in my immediate support/prayer group and I have been equally encouraged by their prayers.
Today I've been reconciling how I can glorify God with my labor. My job is a temporary situation and I know that at this time I am very discouraged by how the company's lack of assistance has left everyone carrying the burden of 2-3 persons and still requiring work completed on their time table and no real compensation or gratitude. I know financially Adam and I need for me to work. I've been asking God to show another route. I've been writing but I know this takes time and money and well...time.
Today I listened to my complaints and my cries and I knew God heard them even before the words formed and spewed from my lips. I heard the brokenness of a woman who desires so much to live glorifying God but not knowing what that looks like in the realm of work. I understand the concept of work and being employed, have been since I was 16. I am not ambitious. I am not seeking multi-million dollar status, but I want a meaningful work, where I serve my God. Now I know that in every job I've held I've been placed there by God for reasons to serve him in those seasons.. to witness, to love, to learn, to be burdened, to be convicted....
Today I asked God if I could serve him with the dream I've had for years. I've always wondered why it's been so easy for me to pen my thoughts and be able to relate to others how they are feeling with words, that sometimes I have trouble expressing verbally. Is it a gift? In my heart I have always felt that God would want me to use this connection with others. previously I wrote as a form of catharsis of coping and although I still find much solace in writing, in the past 3 years God has burdened my heart to write for him. Will my words ever encourage or inspire someone to look toward the Maker who inspires and challenges me daily. I don't know. Another thing. I'm not a risk taker. I know that where I am has been comfortable, albeit increasingly painful these last few months...but there is comfort in not changing, in accepting the status quo of one's life and living it quietly and not ruffling any feathers. Not that I going to begin ruffling feather nor do I know of any birds nearby that I would even begin this practice. I just want my days on the earth with is brevity constant and my days already being ticked away... I want them to be worth it.
There is the book I've been reading called Her Name is Woman -by Gien Karssen. It is Volume 1 of 2 books highlighting the women in the bible. I've read these scriptures before and of Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Penniah, Miriam, and Rebekah; however Gien breathes an unassuming spotlight of truth and relative candor that I've seen each one of these women in my life. Though I've never been a widow, or at the this point know if I'm barren, or had riches like the Queen of Sheba, or been so impoverished I've been waiting to die with one last meal, or a prostitute, I've seen that through their actions and motives, these womens' lives have laid a foundation for their families, the children and it several cases for several generations to come. I'm not hoping for the success of being a notable woman in history, for I know that it will be over soon enough. I just want to leave a legacy of following Christ. I think I'm most impressed by the women who are unnamed and who God puts into the account to show us that it was their faith, not their notoriety or fame...but the fact that they magnified his fame.
Today has been tough, but good.
As I peered from under the black covers, stripping away the comfortable cotton sheets to discover that I had not gone anywhere at all, but that I had gone to a place of love and was enveloped with a radiance that can only be described as good. I tore open the sheets and readied my heart for more conversations with the Lord. Even now as I reflect, and wait on his answer and guidance for my life, I am grateful for what he has given. His Son for me. His precious treasure for a broken jar of clay.
Friday, October 26, 2012
When to leave
Lately I've been seriously pondering a overhaul of my career life. Currently I am a case manager to developmentally disabled clients for an Adult Day program. There are days when I like my job... about 6 months ago I would have said love. Presently the feeling is just like. As I was saying there are days when I like my job and there are days when I fantasize about quitting on the spot. I'm sure 75 % or more of our population feels this currently or at one time or another in their lives. Well I'm in that stage...
Lately I've also been convicted about my role and what God wants me to do while I work. In previous blogs I know I've talked about having an attitude of worship while at work and reminding myself that I work ultimately to give God glory. These truths haven't changed. In these past few months there has been several changes in my life.
Life changers:
1. Married to my best friend Adam--- good change, interesting at times, a stage of discovery and understanding God's grace and love.
2. Living with my husband--- this has been fun but different. Prior to resting with my sweet husband nightly, I would sleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere anytime. No I'm realizing that I don't sleep well. Praying this will change and hoping this is mostly due to the anxiousness of when and how to leave my job. As Adam and I learn and grow together, I am excited about our journey and being able to share everything with him and I am also devastatingly aware of my selfishness in wanting my space.
3. The transition stage of doing what I am passionate about vs. having a job I do fairly well and pays the bills. This last life changer-- not yet in the change state of being but rather tip-toeing on the verge of change but knee jerking back the toes due to fear or failure or the unknown. I must take the leap and leave one day.
How do others do this?
The question that has been looming in my mind and taking too much of my REM sleep away from me has been When to leave?
I've always been a frank person and tell people what's on my mind. I have not hidden the fact that I'm not satisfied with my job and I've told my boss that there will come a time soon when I must bid the place I've called 2nd home... work home for approximately 6 years of the last 8 years. He understands and in some ways feels the same...although I'm hoping he doesn't leave before me. It was interesting because recently we had a conversation about the state of our office and leaving on a high note... or what I'd like to think of as leaving with a legacy. I definitely would not leave the office in a state worse than when I came. I love the clients. I may not love the work anymore, but they definitely deserve to be left with the best.
When I leave it will be bitter sweet. Today we said goodbye to one of our guys who had worked there for 6 years. The week before a woman left who had been there for 4 years and only a month prior another man who had been with the company collectively 10 years.
These veterans of our work crew will be missed, but this job was not for them. When to leave... is the question they had to ask themselves prior to turning in their two weeks. Did these come with the desire to follow their dreams, pursue a more lucrative job, pursue a more worthy job of their talents or skills. Do I leave now because I have to take care of my family and this job no longer satisfies the needs of my family? Do I leave now because of the growing changes and lack of compensation to match? Do I leave now because this job is too stressful? Do I leave now because this is too comfortable and I don't want to stay here forever? Do I leave now to pursue my dreams?
How I wonder did these workers know? I feel as if there is this quiet push inside all of us that takes over and we either stifle the voice that is beckoning for use to leave or we give in hoping for the best. I've been putting the voice on hold and praying about a time where God says "Go Astrid. It's time to leave." I haven't heard that voice. I haven't felt a peace in a time to leave. I keep praying about dates and still nothing. Trust me there are days when I scream-- that's it. God wants me to leave today, but then I allow rationality and the truth to enter in as I realize - This is not how I want to leave. In an upheaval- I want to leave quietly, with grace, leaving the office in the best condition --As I am saying this I realize the volumes of work ahead, needing to catch up and not knowing how many months this will take.
When to leave.... I'll know because I'll be at peace and have trusted in the Lord for the next stage. Life changers...I don't want to be kicking an screaming out of this transition into the next. I want to be leaving with a joyful leap looking forward to serving God in the next phase of my worship to him.
Lately I've also been convicted about my role and what God wants me to do while I work. In previous blogs I know I've talked about having an attitude of worship while at work and reminding myself that I work ultimately to give God glory. These truths haven't changed. In these past few months there has been several changes in my life.
Life changers:
1. Married to my best friend Adam--- good change, interesting at times, a stage of discovery and understanding God's grace and love.
2. Living with my husband--- this has been fun but different. Prior to resting with my sweet husband nightly, I would sleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere anytime. No I'm realizing that I don't sleep well. Praying this will change and hoping this is mostly due to the anxiousness of when and how to leave my job. As Adam and I learn and grow together, I am excited about our journey and being able to share everything with him and I am also devastatingly aware of my selfishness in wanting my space.
3. The transition stage of doing what I am passionate about vs. having a job I do fairly well and pays the bills. This last life changer-- not yet in the change state of being but rather tip-toeing on the verge of change but knee jerking back the toes due to fear or failure or the unknown. I must take the leap and leave one day.
How do others do this?
The question that has been looming in my mind and taking too much of my REM sleep away from me has been When to leave?
I've always been a frank person and tell people what's on my mind. I have not hidden the fact that I'm not satisfied with my job and I've told my boss that there will come a time soon when I must bid the place I've called 2nd home... work home for approximately 6 years of the last 8 years. He understands and in some ways feels the same...although I'm hoping he doesn't leave before me. It was interesting because recently we had a conversation about the state of our office and leaving on a high note... or what I'd like to think of as leaving with a legacy. I definitely would not leave the office in a state worse than when I came. I love the clients. I may not love the work anymore, but they definitely deserve to be left with the best.
When I leave it will be bitter sweet. Today we said goodbye to one of our guys who had worked there for 6 years. The week before a woman left who had been there for 4 years and only a month prior another man who had been with the company collectively 10 years.
These veterans of our work crew will be missed, but this job was not for them. When to leave... is the question they had to ask themselves prior to turning in their two weeks. Did these come with the desire to follow their dreams, pursue a more lucrative job, pursue a more worthy job of their talents or skills. Do I leave now because I have to take care of my family and this job no longer satisfies the needs of my family? Do I leave now because of the growing changes and lack of compensation to match? Do I leave now because this job is too stressful? Do I leave now because this is too comfortable and I don't want to stay here forever? Do I leave now to pursue my dreams?
How I wonder did these workers know? I feel as if there is this quiet push inside all of us that takes over and we either stifle the voice that is beckoning for use to leave or we give in hoping for the best. I've been putting the voice on hold and praying about a time where God says "Go Astrid. It's time to leave." I haven't heard that voice. I haven't felt a peace in a time to leave. I keep praying about dates and still nothing. Trust me there are days when I scream-- that's it. God wants me to leave today, but then I allow rationality and the truth to enter in as I realize - This is not how I want to leave. In an upheaval- I want to leave quietly, with grace, leaving the office in the best condition --As I am saying this I realize the volumes of work ahead, needing to catch up and not knowing how many months this will take.
When to leave.... I'll know because I'll be at peace and have trusted in the Lord for the next stage. Life changers...I don't want to be kicking an screaming out of this transition into the next. I want to be leaving with a joyful leap looking forward to serving God in the next phase of my worship to him.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
When I can't sleep
So lately it seems that sleeping is not synonymous with Astrid. Apparently sleeping is fickle and has its own agenda with regards to my body. Sleep bids me to enter yet jolts me awake a few hours later. Sleep is definitely working in tandem with various other agents.. lets call this crew- Bo the Overwhelmer, Bessie Stressie and Harry the Distractor. The Don't Let Astrid Sleep Crew.
Why on earth would this group simultaneously gang up on me as I'm trying to enter my beloved REM state and forget the previous day's woes hoping that the waking will be not to a new day of worries but the great illusion that life is good, uncomplicated and blissful... well unfortunately I don't even have the pleasure of this illusion creeping into my dreams. Thanks guys.
But could there be good in this.... Yes I have been wanting to read more this year and thus the agenda of my crew. Answered prayer. Ah my Lord how you're ways are indeed higher than mine. In my desire to devour more literature and grow spiritually, God has provided the platform.
Before we continue, a side note.
Recently I've been attending a Thursday night bible study. I will be visiting them in an 2 hours actually as I write this and our study material has been Worship. The book has challenged me in so many ways and I am glad to have met and know the women in the group. God has purposely placed me in study to show me several things
1. A lackluster worship life
2. My need to constantly depend on my Lord
3. New ways to praise Him and thank him
4. New words to sing to him
5. To be ever thirsty and ready for God to fill me with Himself
So moving back to my sleeplessness in Harbor City - not a result of my need to meet Tom Hanks, but definitely the trigger for me to come to Christ.
Tuesday morning 3:30 a.m. I lie awake restless, mind moving at an excruciating rate of speed that my ears seem to ache at the breaking of the sound barrier within my own skull. How the thoughts did not shatter my brain is beyond me. So after an hour of listening to myself not solve anything and realize that sleep would not come quickly, I read.
I picked up the Thursday night study book. Satisfy My Thirsty Soul - by Linda Dillow. As I'm reading, I finish one chapter encouraging me to bow down my attitude to the Lord. Bowing down meaning relinquishing and allowing God to consume this area of my life and in turn my giving Him my all. My attitude often does not reflect his grace and I sat and gave him my poor attitude and asked for him to renew me and refresh my heart. After this my eyes started to glaze and I realized God was calling me from my sleep to talk to him. I had spend the previous hour talking to myself and look where that got me. I was still upset and tired... but now as I continued to read God was showing me how to thirst and wait to be filler. I begin another chapter this one titled I Bow my Work. I lingered on the title for quite some time hesistant to continue because I knew my heart would ache. It has not been a secret that my heart has left my job and I no longer find joy in working. So I read this title with reservation but knew that I had to read more.
This is what stuck out. Laborare est orar, Orare est laborare: This latin phrase is translated to " To work is to worship and to worship is to work.
I was not worshiping in my work and God was telling me that I should.
Then the conversation between My Lord and I began to unfold a resonating rebellion in my bones. I was being shown that my work life was offending my God. I had no joy, no desire to enter the doors, to have meetings, to do anything. I was being selfish. This the chapter reminded me of a hard truth.
Who do you work for?
Astrid, who is your boss?
Who sustains you?
You, God
Exactly so why are you displeased with the mission field and work I have given you.
I want more, something different. Is it bad to want more?
Who do you work for?
Who gave you your job/
Your talents?
Your gifts?
You, God.
As the questions consumed my thoughts, I realized God was telling me. What I am giving you is what you need. I know what you desire. Know that I desire the best for you. Better than what even you could fathom. Trust me.
Then the words of God in Colossians 3:23-24
" Whatever you do, do heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive and inheritance which is your reward. You serve the Lord Christ."
Joy was nowhere to be found in my work life. But as he has placed me there to be his light. I should be the most joyful. Who do you serve Astrid? Serve with Joy
Stress was making me hostile towards the people I serve under or with- these men and women deserve my best...but more importantly. Who is my boss? God would definitely give me a low rating, knowing that I am capable of loving more.
The check- Ultimately the piddly little check I received every two weeks was God's gift to sustain and remind me that in this life- we work for the temporal; however I have a share in an amazing inheritance- that's my real reward.
Finally I serve the Lord.
I meditated and memorized this to remind me that I do work for God. God who is gracious, good, loving, faithful,and worthy.
It is still hectic and overwhelming and my heart yearns for more but today the as Lord drew me to him as I began the next chapter. I bow my times of waiting.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Hi i missed you
I'm back... stay tuned for more news on what's going on in Astrid's life as wife of Adam- her incredibly hot and sweet muffin who she adores.
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