So Divorce... yikes. Not me.. don't fret my faithful followers. I'm 10 months in and I've so much to learn but I am in it for the long haul. I start this after a week of contemplating, praying and realizing that this marriage thing is real work. Real hard work... but it sure is worth it. I love my husband so much and I know that whatever we weather in hardships in our marriage we are going to work in out... as God intended.
So friends... in need. Well lets start with the probability of divorce. It's interesting because prior to my friend contacting me about the possibility of her divorce, I heard on the radio that those who have a history of cohabitation and marry afterwards have a higher percentage of ending up in divorce. Why is it that people who for years of living together when they marry all of a sudden can't stick it out.. I think it truly has to do with how we view the institution of marriage. I think that society has this very jaded, weak and wrong view of marriage. Please note I am stepping on my soap box but will end with theology and hopefully a renewed perspective on this ultimately a love letter from God in the form of a relationship between two flawed beings
Soap Box- Why do we find ourselves being okay with lowering our moral standards? We are too judgmental people will often say. We and when I mean we I mean the protestant community. Us with our bibles and on our high horses saying that these choices aren't right. We who want to redeem marriage and see the anticipation of lovers uniting on their wedding night.
Not so sacred anymore. Willingly we as in society let anyone in our door. Say that learning to live with someone takes practice and and so we by pass the ring and think playing house before the "I do's" relieves the sting. Wrong. the practice is superficial, surface level kids stuff that doesn't let the hard facts of truth and endurance show its face. The commitment before we run the race is tethered with uncertainty, disillusionment and a happenstance fate. What makes the golden 50 and the sweet 60 so hard to attain. These decades and decades of marriage all with work.. It's not just refusing to delay the satisfaction of sex, no that's a small part. What's real and offense its what's next. It's having a firm foundation in Christ and having his self-sacrificial standard of marriage. Knowing the example of how God sent his son to die for his bride the church. The intimacy of this love. A glimpse we're given when we have our spouse.
Society wake up. You see the benefits financially and the merger as if it's a business deal, right to inherit power, prestige or the lovey dovey rose colored feel - which lasts 5 seconds till the honeymoon is over. Well I'm over this. I'm no longer going to be okay with the marriage breaking down because you can't handle the life you're given. We need to redeem this beautiful gift. Stop sitting. It's time to dig deep, roll up your sleeves and shift. Done.
So this is the non ranting portion of my commentary.
My heart broke on Monday morning when my friend call me and said that she was probably going to end up in a divorce. As I digested and she poured out her heart, I knew the Lord was preparing me to minister to her and encourage her. My friend Ang has been married for 7 years and me a mere barely 10 months. What could I say that beneficial. How could I help and friend in this need other than to tell her I loved her and pray. My heart was in such sorrow for I knew that this would be a tough time, not because of the circumstances only but because of the lack of support. Support isn't a circle of friends or family who are there to tell you you are going to be okay. Support is real. It's someone to lean on and cry with. It's supernatural. Ang doesn't have a relationship with God and this will be hard in those days when the day is a muted gray and there is no sunshine, because you have no hope. God is what brings that to us. God brings amazing hope and strength when everything else is so bleak. Ang was going to have a rough time working on her divorce unless I said something. God says witness and testify about me and who I am and since Monday I have felt his call to encourage my beloved friend with passages that will encourage and challenge and draw her to Christ. I am praying daily that in the midst of working on her marriage that divorce is not how it will end... but as I've written to her I am praying that more than anything she will trust in God and have a relationship with the only one - who can begin to give her peace and strength. I am praying for the salvation of my friend, her husband and her kids. Only acknowledging that we are in need of a savior and a change in our lives to depend on a God who wants our worship, praise and honor will we realize that these trials are also a gift of God's grace to refine us... Ang doesn't know this yet, but God is calling her.
You know that Monday morning.. it's been a week now and I am not one to answer my phone... but when God wants to use you. You pick up the phone, listen and love. God continues to amaze me as I am being stretched to a place of compassion I never knew could exist.
Please those of you who read this pray for my friend and her salvation, her husband and his willingness to work on their marriage, he salvation , their kids' salvation and that God protects their daughters from any hurt and pain. Thank you in advance.
Also since Ang and I have been e-mailing, texting and talking she has been more curious about the bible, taking her kids to church and open to her kids believing and having hope. I am thankful for God's drawing her to him and the holy spirit convicting her. There will be more conversations to come. Pray I have words of wisdom-- aka not my words and that I am a good friend.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
CH..Ch...Ch.. Changes
Updates to my beloved readers...
HI Dini.
Sorry I'm really working on trying to be a consistent blogger and normally I love any and every opportunity to write and just vent poetically or prose style.
Recently I told you guys that I had some knee issues.. and I got the x-rays and no breaks; however that doesn't mean that I'm in the clear. If my knee goes out again I am to prompting go and get an MRI to see if there are any muscle tears. Here's to the knee behaving. Pray. So far it's been pretty good.
Work news. My jefe after coming back in January decided to quit and is no longer my boss as of this Friday.. Woah. I know scary news. I knew this was coming. Subtly is not his strong suit and although I knew it was pending, I was hoping there might be a change of heart and a reboot to his system. Not so. Meanwhile was does that mean for this worker bee. Well the possibility of advancement. Unfortunately after praying with my husband and waking up several nights in a row with an unsettling feeling if I were to apply and take the job, I decided to stay where I am. I turned down a salary job which seems crazy but for me it wasn't the job I was hoping or would want. Right now I'm realizing that if I'm ever to leave my current job which is the desire and follow the writing gig.. which is the dream.. I have to take risks. I have to be willing to stick it out where I am because that's where God wants me and then to be a light to my co-workers. I also have to be patient and as I've recently read in Jon Acuff's Quitter, I have to learn to fall " in like" with my job again. This has been hard but so many people have been praying for me and what an amazing spiritual family I have. Lately there has been a genuine smile on my face and I feel so much better. Trust me there are still "what the heck days" but I'm choosing to focus on my attitude and how I response versus how everyone else feels entitled.
Life news... well Adam and I still doing well. It's a daily process and I love it. There are some days when our personalities and communication styles clash but mostly we end our days content to be alive and saved and with each other.. Adam still enjoys his job although as he is reading Quitter -- I think he's realizing that he can do the entrepreneur thing.. --as his helpmate I'm always on board and will be there to help. But this is a process and will take time till be pay the debt down... should be end of this year..well then there's that pesky car of ours.. lady vic's( my car) backside was sagging and the ride was comparable to a water rapids ride at a theme park.. It was pretty bad today as I hooted and hollered as I went over the tiniest bumps. But as of 4 pm today she rides like a dream today... I'm so glad we were able to get that out of the way.. Still planning on riding this 93 crown vic till she can't ride no more.
Friend news.
Elisabeth's wedding.. Fun shopping and looking for a black dress with Leilani and Daphne.. silly baby is so picky when it comes to what I should wear. Looking forward to seeing my old roomie tie the knot. This will be an interesting unfolding of new beginnings.
Promo's-- praying for promo's for Chris and Ryan-Adam's friend. Proud of these guys and hoping that God opens the right door for them.
Oh baby.. well just praying for my friend and her little mexican hubby and their future baby.. i'm being vague for obvious reasons...
Happy Birthday Daphne. Had a fun yet chilly celebration with 50 or so of Daphne's closest family and friends.. wow.. I'm pretty sure I only knew my parents till I was like 2.. seriously I don't remember or have pics of me with other family till I was like 3 or 4.... anyways.. It was fun and I am rather fond of my neice.. I'm working up the nerve to eventually babysit.. but that's a ways from now.. currently I'm a pro at putting her in the car seat and stroller. First attempts were approximately 10 minutes with sweat beading down my face dripping onto Daphne as she scowls and wonders what the heck this woman- moi is trying to do and where on earth is mommy who can do this in her sleep. After our shopping trip. I was down to 30 seconds with the pacifier in the mouth. Applause now. Thank you.
Ministry News...
Well my beloved has been asked to be considered to be an elder at church. I'm so proud and happy for him. This is up to the church to vote on but whatever the outcome I'm glad for the recognition of his character and all his service and love for his church. Me-- nothing so far. I'm still praying about where the Lord wants me.. I'm thinking of approaching pastor about doing a workshop on finances.. I still need to pray and get the info on the FPU course. But I'm pretty encouraged with what it's been doing for our family and hope to encourage others who are struggling financially or need guidance.
That's all folks.. Thanks always for reading.
HI Dini.
Sorry I'm really working on trying to be a consistent blogger and normally I love any and every opportunity to write and just vent poetically or prose style.
Recently I told you guys that I had some knee issues.. and I got the x-rays and no breaks; however that doesn't mean that I'm in the clear. If my knee goes out again I am to prompting go and get an MRI to see if there are any muscle tears. Here's to the knee behaving. Pray. So far it's been pretty good.
Work news. My jefe after coming back in January decided to quit and is no longer my boss as of this Friday.. Woah. I know scary news. I knew this was coming. Subtly is not his strong suit and although I knew it was pending, I was hoping there might be a change of heart and a reboot to his system. Not so. Meanwhile was does that mean for this worker bee. Well the possibility of advancement. Unfortunately after praying with my husband and waking up several nights in a row with an unsettling feeling if I were to apply and take the job, I decided to stay where I am. I turned down a salary job which seems crazy but for me it wasn't the job I was hoping or would want. Right now I'm realizing that if I'm ever to leave my current job which is the desire and follow the writing gig.. which is the dream.. I have to take risks. I have to be willing to stick it out where I am because that's where God wants me and then to be a light to my co-workers. I also have to be patient and as I've recently read in Jon Acuff's Quitter, I have to learn to fall " in like" with my job again. This has been hard but so many people have been praying for me and what an amazing spiritual family I have. Lately there has been a genuine smile on my face and I feel so much better. Trust me there are still "what the heck days" but I'm choosing to focus on my attitude and how I response versus how everyone else feels entitled.
Life news... well Adam and I still doing well. It's a daily process and I love it. There are some days when our personalities and communication styles clash but mostly we end our days content to be alive and saved and with each other.. Adam still enjoys his job although as he is reading Quitter -- I think he's realizing that he can do the entrepreneur thing.. --as his helpmate I'm always on board and will be there to help. But this is a process and will take time till be pay the debt down... should be end of this year..well then there's that pesky car of ours.. lady vic's( my car) backside was sagging and the ride was comparable to a water rapids ride at a theme park.. It was pretty bad today as I hooted and hollered as I went over the tiniest bumps. But as of 4 pm today she rides like a dream today... I'm so glad we were able to get that out of the way.. Still planning on riding this 93 crown vic till she can't ride no more.
Friend news.
Elisabeth's wedding.. Fun shopping and looking for a black dress with Leilani and Daphne.. silly baby is so picky when it comes to what I should wear. Looking forward to seeing my old roomie tie the knot. This will be an interesting unfolding of new beginnings.
Promo's-- praying for promo's for Chris and Ryan-Adam's friend. Proud of these guys and hoping that God opens the right door for them.
Oh baby.. well just praying for my friend and her little mexican hubby and their future baby.. i'm being vague for obvious reasons...
Happy Birthday Daphne. Had a fun yet chilly celebration with 50 or so of Daphne's closest family and friends.. wow.. I'm pretty sure I only knew my parents till I was like 2.. seriously I don't remember or have pics of me with other family till I was like 3 or 4.... anyways.. It was fun and I am rather fond of my neice.. I'm working up the nerve to eventually babysit.. but that's a ways from now.. currently I'm a pro at putting her in the car seat and stroller. First attempts were approximately 10 minutes with sweat beading down my face dripping onto Daphne as she scowls and wonders what the heck this woman- moi is trying to do and where on earth is mommy who can do this in her sleep. After our shopping trip. I was down to 30 seconds with the pacifier in the mouth. Applause now. Thank you.
Ministry News...
Well my beloved has been asked to be considered to be an elder at church. I'm so proud and happy for him. This is up to the church to vote on but whatever the outcome I'm glad for the recognition of his character and all his service and love for his church. Me-- nothing so far. I'm still praying about where the Lord wants me.. I'm thinking of approaching pastor about doing a workshop on finances.. I still need to pray and get the info on the FPU course. But I'm pretty encouraged with what it's been doing for our family and hope to encourage others who are struggling financially or need guidance.
That's all folks.. Thanks always for reading.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
2013-- So many new things to do
Hey folks.. It's day three of the new year and I'm at home trying to be productive... I left work early today due the massive amounts of overtime my job does not allow me to have. So I was out at noon.. Party.. not exactly. I drove literally a block down the street to my doctor's office and waited to see if I could get in to see my doc about my crazy knee... she gave out on me yesterday like a horse about to be put down... sorry for you horse lovers but seriously I felt as if my knee was going to snap off..
It didn't
The remedy for the moment- my hand held massager-- thanks honey for the Christmas gift that keeps on aiding to my failing muscles.. then a few ounces of topical pain reliever and an ibuprofen on top of that. Well results.. some pain this morning as I hobbled to work but right now it's settled..
Doctor's results.. none. After waiting 2 hours and realizing that I was at the bottom of the list after the appointments and lady with chest pain issues.. mind didn't warrant moving ahead of hers.. which I kind of understand although for a lady with chest pain she was certainly composed and relaxed reading or playing a game on her ipad.. neverthless I left and have a doc's apt on monday and hopefully an x-ray telling me that it's nothing really serious... insert prayer here my network of family and friends reading this.
Meanwhile I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio- and I've been meaning to get this book by John Acuff - Quitter. It's about quitting the job you have and making steps to the work you love.. hopefully this will inspire me and my darling.
To recap... Astrid's mind frame these last few months in 2012...
Yikes I don't want to be a boss... oh wait before this thought.... early November. Well Astrid is trucking along and wondering how on earth long will she have to do this job that seems never-ending in it's work and unforgiving in the arena of catching up... well I'm officially 2 months behind and going into december it looks like I'll be 3 months behind. YAY!!!! she screams sarcastically in her office as the mounds of paper cramp her feet... I like a semi-tidy desk so my paperwork finds itself south of the border in my leg nook. Resuming... as I was screaming I realized I can only do what I can in the 7 hours I'm given... so the next question is... am I doing all I can and then after that am I going above and beyond still because my work isn't just for the men and women who sign my check... it's for God... So now it's weighing heavy on my heart that my attitude although at times warranted has been sub par in the testimony department.
December. Its gonna be tough. Prior to this month starting my boss already said he'll be on leave indefintely starting the 2nd week of Dec. What?!!! Indefinitely-- this later changes to 3-4 weeks. Well at first I'm thinking, on no he's bailing, jumping ship leaving me to deal with the current state of affairs.. thanks alot.
The whole picture...what exactly does this transition mean. The whole picture isn't seen by us.. the people in the game. We are only privvy to our story lines and even then we only really pay attention to the bits and pieces that are drastically affecting us.. we often miss out on the little lighter things that should shape and surprise us.. i digress into another tale... the whole pciture meaning-- at the advent of this news I am feeling deeply stressed, overwhelmed and uncertain about my being able to take this over... of course my husband ever optimistic and encouraging -- says I'll be a great boss... Great huh. Lofty.. I was good at best and even on certain days.. I'll take fair. Meanwhile, I become the boss which is a hat I've worn before; however not in these specific circumstances of uncertainty. Usually I would have a week and now I was looking at the possibility of being the boss for an indefinite amount of time. Fast forward to the departure date. I was definitely sore, sour, self pitying and other "s" words that are applicable and well I had a hard time of hiding my disdain for the role I would be thrust into...but then I realized I don't know the whole picture.
Here's some of the picture but still not the whole.. never the whole as I a working cog and only God reveals what he wants when he desires. Here's what I saw. I saw weeks of unhappiness-- not just me but my boss. Here's what was also happening. My boss was feeling inadequate and stress having so much thrust upon him and not the time either or the resources in staff to resolve the work... well here's another thing that I missed. I have a great and gracious Lord who revives me daily with his work and renews me and provides for my soul amazing nourishment when I am worn and weary.. my boss an unbeliever has no source of hope. He needed the time to rest. I would take this time to accept my role and pray for my boss, co-workers and the company, and most of the clients that we serve.
So here we are in January.. still working at this work thing, but taking much smaller bites and coming up with a more sustaining long term goal. I know that my desire to be at my job has waned but I am there to fill this picture until another enters in and my portrait is complete and ready to be hung as a memory.
Which leads me today... Knee is worse for the wear, not much I can do but focus on the things I can do.
This is a year of ticking... ticking ticking away at the little details of life that I can manage on a daily scale and look forward to the dreams in the future I'll be able to enjoy with my husband.
There will not be a resolution list... instead we have set goals to accomplish and we will...
1. debt free in 2013
2. planning for re-entry into college
3. make my husbands dreams a possibility
4. be a healthier leaner sweeter me
It didn't
The remedy for the moment- my hand held massager-- thanks honey for the Christmas gift that keeps on aiding to my failing muscles.. then a few ounces of topical pain reliever and an ibuprofen on top of that. Well results.. some pain this morning as I hobbled to work but right now it's settled..
Doctor's results.. none. After waiting 2 hours and realizing that I was at the bottom of the list after the appointments and lady with chest pain issues.. mind didn't warrant moving ahead of hers.. which I kind of understand although for a lady with chest pain she was certainly composed and relaxed reading or playing a game on her ipad.. neverthless I left and have a doc's apt on monday and hopefully an x-ray telling me that it's nothing really serious... insert prayer here my network of family and friends reading this.
Meanwhile I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio- and I've been meaning to get this book by John Acuff - Quitter. It's about quitting the job you have and making steps to the work you love.. hopefully this will inspire me and my darling.
To recap... Astrid's mind frame these last few months in 2012...
Yikes I don't want to be a boss... oh wait before this thought.... early November. Well Astrid is trucking along and wondering how on earth long will she have to do this job that seems never-ending in it's work and unforgiving in the arena of catching up... well I'm officially 2 months behind and going into december it looks like I'll be 3 months behind. YAY!!!! she screams sarcastically in her office as the mounds of paper cramp her feet... I like a semi-tidy desk so my paperwork finds itself south of the border in my leg nook. Resuming... as I was screaming I realized I can only do what I can in the 7 hours I'm given... so the next question is... am I doing all I can and then after that am I going above and beyond still because my work isn't just for the men and women who sign my check... it's for God... So now it's weighing heavy on my heart that my attitude although at times warranted has been sub par in the testimony department.
December. Its gonna be tough. Prior to this month starting my boss already said he'll be on leave indefintely starting the 2nd week of Dec. What?!!! Indefinitely-- this later changes to 3-4 weeks. Well at first I'm thinking, on no he's bailing, jumping ship leaving me to deal with the current state of affairs.. thanks alot.
The whole picture...what exactly does this transition mean. The whole picture isn't seen by us.. the people in the game. We are only privvy to our story lines and even then we only really pay attention to the bits and pieces that are drastically affecting us.. we often miss out on the little lighter things that should shape and surprise us.. i digress into another tale... the whole pciture meaning-- at the advent of this news I am feeling deeply stressed, overwhelmed and uncertain about my being able to take this over... of course my husband ever optimistic and encouraging -- says I'll be a great boss... Great huh. Lofty.. I was good at best and even on certain days.. I'll take fair. Meanwhile, I become the boss which is a hat I've worn before; however not in these specific circumstances of uncertainty. Usually I would have a week and now I was looking at the possibility of being the boss for an indefinite amount of time. Fast forward to the departure date. I was definitely sore, sour, self pitying and other "s" words that are applicable and well I had a hard time of hiding my disdain for the role I would be thrust into...but then I realized I don't know the whole picture.
Here's some of the picture but still not the whole.. never the whole as I a working cog and only God reveals what he wants when he desires. Here's what I saw. I saw weeks of unhappiness-- not just me but my boss. Here's what was also happening. My boss was feeling inadequate and stress having so much thrust upon him and not the time either or the resources in staff to resolve the work... well here's another thing that I missed. I have a great and gracious Lord who revives me daily with his work and renews me and provides for my soul amazing nourishment when I am worn and weary.. my boss an unbeliever has no source of hope. He needed the time to rest. I would take this time to accept my role and pray for my boss, co-workers and the company, and most of the clients that we serve.
So here we are in January.. still working at this work thing, but taking much smaller bites and coming up with a more sustaining long term goal. I know that my desire to be at my job has waned but I am there to fill this picture until another enters in and my portrait is complete and ready to be hung as a memory.
Which leads me today... Knee is worse for the wear, not much I can do but focus on the things I can do.
This is a year of ticking... ticking ticking away at the little details of life that I can manage on a daily scale and look forward to the dreams in the future I'll be able to enjoy with my husband.
There will not be a resolution list... instead we have set goals to accomplish and we will...
1. debt free in 2013
2. planning for re-entry into college
3. make my husbands dreams a possibility
4. be a healthier leaner sweeter me
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Figuring Things Out
Today I came home at 11:00 and I decided to think and pray about the future. I sat and watching the minutes tick away the first hour and found that to be unproductive. Then into hour 2 I actually prayed. I got under the covers, blotted out every spectrum of light and was lost in thought and in communion with God. Mostly I cried and tried to figure out why I hated my job and how I could possibly continue to work knowing that each day would be dreaded.
Today I cried at work in the first hour of being there and it was a crescendo of hurt, pain, overwhelming emotions and slight indifference to an unhappy work-life. I sat and spoke with my boss about my desire not to be at work. I appreciated him as a manager and did enjoy working for him, but I didn't enjoy my job because I haven't been able to do my job. I don't like the company we work for. He let me go for the day. My knee jerk reaction was...No...stay. You have 2 months of work piling up and it's only going to get worse...but as the tears streamed down, I realized I needed to be in a place to really think and worship and humbly ask God where he wanted me to be.
Today before I even went to work, I received a text from my dad saying that my grandmother isn't doing well. He told me she stopped eating 3 days ago and is very weak. I am sad but I still hope that my mother has been able to show her Christ's love and share the gospel with her. I don't know my Enang's( endearing term for grandmother/elder in Tagalog) heart but I have faith in a God who desires that we walk with him. Please anyone who reads this, continue to pray for her and my mother. I will know more by the end of this week.
Today has been a day of reflection and thankfulness. As I spoke with Adam when I came home, I was comforted by his support. I texted women in my immediate support/prayer group and I have been equally encouraged by their prayers.
Today I've been reconciling how I can glorify God with my labor. My job is a temporary situation and I know that at this time I am very discouraged by how the company's lack of assistance has left everyone carrying the burden of 2-3 persons and still requiring work completed on their time table and no real compensation or gratitude. I know financially Adam and I need for me to work. I've been asking God to show another route. I've been writing but I know this takes time and money and well...time.
Today I listened to my complaints and my cries and I knew God heard them even before the words formed and spewed from my lips. I heard the brokenness of a woman who desires so much to live glorifying God but not knowing what that looks like in the realm of work. I understand the concept of work and being employed, have been since I was 16. I am not ambitious. I am not seeking multi-million dollar status, but I want a meaningful work, where I serve my God. Now I know that in every job I've held I've been placed there by God for reasons to serve him in those seasons.. to witness, to love, to learn, to be burdened, to be convicted....
Today I asked God if I could serve him with the dream I've had for years. I've always wondered why it's been so easy for me to pen my thoughts and be able to relate to others how they are feeling with words, that sometimes I have trouble expressing verbally. Is it a gift? In my heart I have always felt that God would want me to use this connection with others. previously I wrote as a form of catharsis of coping and although I still find much solace in writing, in the past 3 years God has burdened my heart to write for him. Will my words ever encourage or inspire someone to look toward the Maker who inspires and challenges me daily. I don't know. Another thing. I'm not a risk taker. I know that where I am has been comfortable, albeit increasingly painful these last few months...but there is comfort in not changing, in accepting the status quo of one's life and living it quietly and not ruffling any feathers. Not that I going to begin ruffling feather nor do I know of any birds nearby that I would even begin this practice. I just want my days on the earth with is brevity constant and my days already being ticked away... I want them to be worth it.
There is the book I've been reading called Her Name is Woman -by Gien Karssen. It is Volume 1 of 2 books highlighting the women in the bible. I've read these scriptures before and of Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Penniah, Miriam, and Rebekah; however Gien breathes an unassuming spotlight of truth and relative candor that I've seen each one of these women in my life. Though I've never been a widow, or at the this point know if I'm barren, or had riches like the Queen of Sheba, or been so impoverished I've been waiting to die with one last meal, or a prostitute, I've seen that through their actions and motives, these womens' lives have laid a foundation for their families, the children and it several cases for several generations to come. I'm not hoping for the success of being a notable woman in history, for I know that it will be over soon enough. I just want to leave a legacy of following Christ. I think I'm most impressed by the women who are unnamed and who God puts into the account to show us that it was their faith, not their notoriety or fame...but the fact that they magnified his fame.
Today has been tough, but good.
As I peered from under the black covers, stripping away the comfortable cotton sheets to discover that I had not gone anywhere at all, but that I had gone to a place of love and was enveloped with a radiance that can only be described as good. I tore open the sheets and readied my heart for more conversations with the Lord. Even now as I reflect, and wait on his answer and guidance for my life, I am grateful for what he has given. His Son for me. His precious treasure for a broken jar of clay.
Today I cried at work in the first hour of being there and it was a crescendo of hurt, pain, overwhelming emotions and slight indifference to an unhappy work-life. I sat and spoke with my boss about my desire not to be at work. I appreciated him as a manager and did enjoy working for him, but I didn't enjoy my job because I haven't been able to do my job. I don't like the company we work for. He let me go for the day. My knee jerk reaction was...No...stay. You have 2 months of work piling up and it's only going to get worse...but as the tears streamed down, I realized I needed to be in a place to really think and worship and humbly ask God where he wanted me to be.
Today before I even went to work, I received a text from my dad saying that my grandmother isn't doing well. He told me she stopped eating 3 days ago and is very weak. I am sad but I still hope that my mother has been able to show her Christ's love and share the gospel with her. I don't know my Enang's( endearing term for grandmother/elder in Tagalog) heart but I have faith in a God who desires that we walk with him. Please anyone who reads this, continue to pray for her and my mother. I will know more by the end of this week.
Today has been a day of reflection and thankfulness. As I spoke with Adam when I came home, I was comforted by his support. I texted women in my immediate support/prayer group and I have been equally encouraged by their prayers.
Today I've been reconciling how I can glorify God with my labor. My job is a temporary situation and I know that at this time I am very discouraged by how the company's lack of assistance has left everyone carrying the burden of 2-3 persons and still requiring work completed on their time table and no real compensation or gratitude. I know financially Adam and I need for me to work. I've been asking God to show another route. I've been writing but I know this takes time and money and well...time.
Today I listened to my complaints and my cries and I knew God heard them even before the words formed and spewed from my lips. I heard the brokenness of a woman who desires so much to live glorifying God but not knowing what that looks like in the realm of work. I understand the concept of work and being employed, have been since I was 16. I am not ambitious. I am not seeking multi-million dollar status, but I want a meaningful work, where I serve my God. Now I know that in every job I've held I've been placed there by God for reasons to serve him in those seasons.. to witness, to love, to learn, to be burdened, to be convicted....
Today I asked God if I could serve him with the dream I've had for years. I've always wondered why it's been so easy for me to pen my thoughts and be able to relate to others how they are feeling with words, that sometimes I have trouble expressing verbally. Is it a gift? In my heart I have always felt that God would want me to use this connection with others. previously I wrote as a form of catharsis of coping and although I still find much solace in writing, in the past 3 years God has burdened my heart to write for him. Will my words ever encourage or inspire someone to look toward the Maker who inspires and challenges me daily. I don't know. Another thing. I'm not a risk taker. I know that where I am has been comfortable, albeit increasingly painful these last few months...but there is comfort in not changing, in accepting the status quo of one's life and living it quietly and not ruffling any feathers. Not that I going to begin ruffling feather nor do I know of any birds nearby that I would even begin this practice. I just want my days on the earth with is brevity constant and my days already being ticked away... I want them to be worth it.
There is the book I've been reading called Her Name is Woman -by Gien Karssen. It is Volume 1 of 2 books highlighting the women in the bible. I've read these scriptures before and of Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Penniah, Miriam, and Rebekah; however Gien breathes an unassuming spotlight of truth and relative candor that I've seen each one of these women in my life. Though I've never been a widow, or at the this point know if I'm barren, or had riches like the Queen of Sheba, or been so impoverished I've been waiting to die with one last meal, or a prostitute, I've seen that through their actions and motives, these womens' lives have laid a foundation for their families, the children and it several cases for several generations to come. I'm not hoping for the success of being a notable woman in history, for I know that it will be over soon enough. I just want to leave a legacy of following Christ. I think I'm most impressed by the women who are unnamed and who God puts into the account to show us that it was their faith, not their notoriety or fame...but the fact that they magnified his fame.
Today has been tough, but good.
As I peered from under the black covers, stripping away the comfortable cotton sheets to discover that I had not gone anywhere at all, but that I had gone to a place of love and was enveloped with a radiance that can only be described as good. I tore open the sheets and readied my heart for more conversations with the Lord. Even now as I reflect, and wait on his answer and guidance for my life, I am grateful for what he has given. His Son for me. His precious treasure for a broken jar of clay.
Friday, October 26, 2012
When to leave
Lately I've been seriously pondering a overhaul of my career life. Currently I am a case manager to developmentally disabled clients for an Adult Day program. There are days when I like my job... about 6 months ago I would have said love. Presently the feeling is just like. As I was saying there are days when I like my job and there are days when I fantasize about quitting on the spot. I'm sure 75 % or more of our population feels this currently or at one time or another in their lives. Well I'm in that stage...
Lately I've also been convicted about my role and what God wants me to do while I work. In previous blogs I know I've talked about having an attitude of worship while at work and reminding myself that I work ultimately to give God glory. These truths haven't changed. In these past few months there has been several changes in my life.
Life changers:
1. Married to my best friend Adam--- good change, interesting at times, a stage of discovery and understanding God's grace and love.
2. Living with my husband--- this has been fun but different. Prior to resting with my sweet husband nightly, I would sleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere anytime. No I'm realizing that I don't sleep well. Praying this will change and hoping this is mostly due to the anxiousness of when and how to leave my job. As Adam and I learn and grow together, I am excited about our journey and being able to share everything with him and I am also devastatingly aware of my selfishness in wanting my space.
3. The transition stage of doing what I am passionate about vs. having a job I do fairly well and pays the bills. This last life changer-- not yet in the change state of being but rather tip-toeing on the verge of change but knee jerking back the toes due to fear or failure or the unknown. I must take the leap and leave one day.
How do others do this?
The question that has been looming in my mind and taking too much of my REM sleep away from me has been When to leave?
I've always been a frank person and tell people what's on my mind. I have not hidden the fact that I'm not satisfied with my job and I've told my boss that there will come a time soon when I must bid the place I've called 2nd home... work home for approximately 6 years of the last 8 years. He understands and in some ways feels the same...although I'm hoping he doesn't leave before me. It was interesting because recently we had a conversation about the state of our office and leaving on a high note... or what I'd like to think of as leaving with a legacy. I definitely would not leave the office in a state worse than when I came. I love the clients. I may not love the work anymore, but they definitely deserve to be left with the best.
When I leave it will be bitter sweet. Today we said goodbye to one of our guys who had worked there for 6 years. The week before a woman left who had been there for 4 years and only a month prior another man who had been with the company collectively 10 years.
These veterans of our work crew will be missed, but this job was not for them. When to leave... is the question they had to ask themselves prior to turning in their two weeks. Did these come with the desire to follow their dreams, pursue a more lucrative job, pursue a more worthy job of their talents or skills. Do I leave now because I have to take care of my family and this job no longer satisfies the needs of my family? Do I leave now because of the growing changes and lack of compensation to match? Do I leave now because this job is too stressful? Do I leave now because this is too comfortable and I don't want to stay here forever? Do I leave now to pursue my dreams?
How I wonder did these workers know? I feel as if there is this quiet push inside all of us that takes over and we either stifle the voice that is beckoning for use to leave or we give in hoping for the best. I've been putting the voice on hold and praying about a time where God says "Go Astrid. It's time to leave." I haven't heard that voice. I haven't felt a peace in a time to leave. I keep praying about dates and still nothing. Trust me there are days when I scream-- that's it. God wants me to leave today, but then I allow rationality and the truth to enter in as I realize - This is not how I want to leave. In an upheaval- I want to leave quietly, with grace, leaving the office in the best condition --As I am saying this I realize the volumes of work ahead, needing to catch up and not knowing how many months this will take.
When to leave.... I'll know because I'll be at peace and have trusted in the Lord for the next stage. Life changers...I don't want to be kicking an screaming out of this transition into the next. I want to be leaving with a joyful leap looking forward to serving God in the next phase of my worship to him.
Lately I've also been convicted about my role and what God wants me to do while I work. In previous blogs I know I've talked about having an attitude of worship while at work and reminding myself that I work ultimately to give God glory. These truths haven't changed. In these past few months there has been several changes in my life.
Life changers:
1. Married to my best friend Adam--- good change, interesting at times, a stage of discovery and understanding God's grace and love.
2. Living with my husband--- this has been fun but different. Prior to resting with my sweet husband nightly, I would sleep at the drop of a hat, anywhere anytime. No I'm realizing that I don't sleep well. Praying this will change and hoping this is mostly due to the anxiousness of when and how to leave my job. As Adam and I learn and grow together, I am excited about our journey and being able to share everything with him and I am also devastatingly aware of my selfishness in wanting my space.
3. The transition stage of doing what I am passionate about vs. having a job I do fairly well and pays the bills. This last life changer-- not yet in the change state of being but rather tip-toeing on the verge of change but knee jerking back the toes due to fear or failure or the unknown. I must take the leap and leave one day.
How do others do this?
The question that has been looming in my mind and taking too much of my REM sleep away from me has been When to leave?
I've always been a frank person and tell people what's on my mind. I have not hidden the fact that I'm not satisfied with my job and I've told my boss that there will come a time soon when I must bid the place I've called 2nd home... work home for approximately 6 years of the last 8 years. He understands and in some ways feels the same...although I'm hoping he doesn't leave before me. It was interesting because recently we had a conversation about the state of our office and leaving on a high note... or what I'd like to think of as leaving with a legacy. I definitely would not leave the office in a state worse than when I came. I love the clients. I may not love the work anymore, but they definitely deserve to be left with the best.
When I leave it will be bitter sweet. Today we said goodbye to one of our guys who had worked there for 6 years. The week before a woman left who had been there for 4 years and only a month prior another man who had been with the company collectively 10 years.
These veterans of our work crew will be missed, but this job was not for them. When to leave... is the question they had to ask themselves prior to turning in their two weeks. Did these come with the desire to follow their dreams, pursue a more lucrative job, pursue a more worthy job of their talents or skills. Do I leave now because I have to take care of my family and this job no longer satisfies the needs of my family? Do I leave now because of the growing changes and lack of compensation to match? Do I leave now because this job is too stressful? Do I leave now because this is too comfortable and I don't want to stay here forever? Do I leave now to pursue my dreams?
How I wonder did these workers know? I feel as if there is this quiet push inside all of us that takes over and we either stifle the voice that is beckoning for use to leave or we give in hoping for the best. I've been putting the voice on hold and praying about a time where God says "Go Astrid. It's time to leave." I haven't heard that voice. I haven't felt a peace in a time to leave. I keep praying about dates and still nothing. Trust me there are days when I scream-- that's it. God wants me to leave today, but then I allow rationality and the truth to enter in as I realize - This is not how I want to leave. In an upheaval- I want to leave quietly, with grace, leaving the office in the best condition --As I am saying this I realize the volumes of work ahead, needing to catch up and not knowing how many months this will take.
When to leave.... I'll know because I'll be at peace and have trusted in the Lord for the next stage. Life changers...I don't want to be kicking an screaming out of this transition into the next. I want to be leaving with a joyful leap looking forward to serving God in the next phase of my worship to him.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
When I can't sleep
So lately it seems that sleeping is not synonymous with Astrid. Apparently sleeping is fickle and has its own agenda with regards to my body. Sleep bids me to enter yet jolts me awake a few hours later. Sleep is definitely working in tandem with various other agents.. lets call this crew- Bo the Overwhelmer, Bessie Stressie and Harry the Distractor. The Don't Let Astrid Sleep Crew.
Why on earth would this group simultaneously gang up on me as I'm trying to enter my beloved REM state and forget the previous day's woes hoping that the waking will be not to a new day of worries but the great illusion that life is good, uncomplicated and blissful... well unfortunately I don't even have the pleasure of this illusion creeping into my dreams. Thanks guys.
But could there be good in this.... Yes I have been wanting to read more this year and thus the agenda of my crew. Answered prayer. Ah my Lord how you're ways are indeed higher than mine. In my desire to devour more literature and grow spiritually, God has provided the platform.
Before we continue, a side note.
Recently I've been attending a Thursday night bible study. I will be visiting them in an 2 hours actually as I write this and our study material has been Worship. The book has challenged me in so many ways and I am glad to have met and know the women in the group. God has purposely placed me in study to show me several things
1. A lackluster worship life
2. My need to constantly depend on my Lord
3. New ways to praise Him and thank him
4. New words to sing to him
5. To be ever thirsty and ready for God to fill me with Himself
So moving back to my sleeplessness in Harbor City - not a result of my need to meet Tom Hanks, but definitely the trigger for me to come to Christ.
Tuesday morning 3:30 a.m. I lie awake restless, mind moving at an excruciating rate of speed that my ears seem to ache at the breaking of the sound barrier within my own skull. How the thoughts did not shatter my brain is beyond me. So after an hour of listening to myself not solve anything and realize that sleep would not come quickly, I read.
I picked up the Thursday night study book. Satisfy My Thirsty Soul - by Linda Dillow. As I'm reading, I finish one chapter encouraging me to bow down my attitude to the Lord. Bowing down meaning relinquishing and allowing God to consume this area of my life and in turn my giving Him my all. My attitude often does not reflect his grace and I sat and gave him my poor attitude and asked for him to renew me and refresh my heart. After this my eyes started to glaze and I realized God was calling me from my sleep to talk to him. I had spend the previous hour talking to myself and look where that got me. I was still upset and tired... but now as I continued to read God was showing me how to thirst and wait to be filler. I begin another chapter this one titled I Bow my Work. I lingered on the title for quite some time hesistant to continue because I knew my heart would ache. It has not been a secret that my heart has left my job and I no longer find joy in working. So I read this title with reservation but knew that I had to read more.
This is what stuck out. Laborare est orar, Orare est laborare: This latin phrase is translated to " To work is to worship and to worship is to work.
I was not worshiping in my work and God was telling me that I should.
Then the conversation between My Lord and I began to unfold a resonating rebellion in my bones. I was being shown that my work life was offending my God. I had no joy, no desire to enter the doors, to have meetings, to do anything. I was being selfish. This the chapter reminded me of a hard truth.
Who do you work for?
Astrid, who is your boss?
Who sustains you?
You, God
Exactly so why are you displeased with the mission field and work I have given you.
I want more, something different. Is it bad to want more?
Who do you work for?
Who gave you your job/
Your talents?
Your gifts?
You, God.
As the questions consumed my thoughts, I realized God was telling me. What I am giving you is what you need. I know what you desire. Know that I desire the best for you. Better than what even you could fathom. Trust me.
Then the words of God in Colossians 3:23-24
" Whatever you do, do heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive and inheritance which is your reward. You serve the Lord Christ."
Joy was nowhere to be found in my work life. But as he has placed me there to be his light. I should be the most joyful. Who do you serve Astrid? Serve with Joy
Stress was making me hostile towards the people I serve under or with- these men and women deserve my best...but more importantly. Who is my boss? God would definitely give me a low rating, knowing that I am capable of loving more.
The check- Ultimately the piddly little check I received every two weeks was God's gift to sustain and remind me that in this life- we work for the temporal; however I have a share in an amazing inheritance- that's my real reward.
Finally I serve the Lord.
I meditated and memorized this to remind me that I do work for God. God who is gracious, good, loving, faithful,and worthy.
It is still hectic and overwhelming and my heart yearns for more but today the as Lord drew me to him as I began the next chapter. I bow my times of waiting.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Hi i missed you
I'm back... stay tuned for more news on what's going on in Astrid's life as wife of Adam- her incredibly hot and sweet muffin who she adores.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Writing Again
Sunday was great. It was a hot day but the Lord's house was nice and cool. As I spoke with my sister Holly, it was amazing how the holy spirit was pressing on my soul. He was there as I was able to encourage Holly. He was there when Adam and I spoke about our dreams and had one of the most delightful afternoons.
Who knew my muffin could be so playful. I love learning new things about my soulmate.
Well as the evening came to a close.. there we were at our kitchen table - he was working modifying a figure and I was working on a new piece. After 3 hours in our respective grooves not many actual words spoken between us, yet volumes said. As we sit and work on our dreams... it was amazing to feel the Lord cheering us in our gifts.
I missed writing so much.. and that night i realized something. That I'm going to have a book. A book of poetry..even if it's post mordem or some book that ends up on the 99ct store shelf. I am going to do it.--
So I started looking at publishers and writing contests and I entered one. I'm not expecting amazing praise. I just want to have a book that might inspire and encourage someone someday.. more than that I want my work to praise God and show the transformed life I lead.... this is not the norm for me.
Now if you've ever read my poetry, you'll see a theme of catharsis due to the painful moments in my life. I always seemed to do my best writing when working through a trial, but now I'm seeing an amazing evolution in how God has purposed me to write. I write to give him glory. As I wrap my head around this new found hunger in telling a story through God's grace in my life... I am inspired, hopeful and grateful for the voice he had given me.
Who knew my muffin could be so playful. I love learning new things about my soulmate.
Well as the evening came to a close.. there we were at our kitchen table - he was working modifying a figure and I was working on a new piece. After 3 hours in our respective grooves not many actual words spoken between us, yet volumes said. As we sit and work on our dreams... it was amazing to feel the Lord cheering us in our gifts.
I missed writing so much.. and that night i realized something. That I'm going to have a book. A book of poetry..even if it's post mordem or some book that ends up on the 99ct store shelf. I am going to do it.--
So I started looking at publishers and writing contests and I entered one. I'm not expecting amazing praise. I just want to have a book that might inspire and encourage someone someday.. more than that I want my work to praise God and show the transformed life I lead.... this is not the norm for me.
Now if you've ever read my poetry, you'll see a theme of catharsis due to the painful moments in my life. I always seemed to do my best writing when working through a trial, but now I'm seeing an amazing evolution in how God has purposed me to write. I write to give him glory. As I wrap my head around this new found hunger in telling a story through God's grace in my life... I am inspired, hopeful and grateful for the voice he had given me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Officially Mrs. Kean
This morning was spent waiting in lines to change my prior identity and name to a new one. I am excited. I will always be a Washington..so to speak because of my parents...but then again I was part Washington part Medrano anyway and now I'm adding a Kean to my list... regardless of the names I change into... my identity is found in Christ. God knows my name. I am his daughter. I just happen to be Ray and Norma's daughter also and Adam's wife... so many persona... entering into the married season is defintely interesting... Astrid Janine once Washington, often called AJ, now Kean
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Simplicity of The Gospel
If you have only a few minutes to share with someone the good news/ the gospel truth... what would you say.
Is the Gospel something complicated or simple. Can we actually preach to those we meet on the street or a neighbor or even a friend in a few minutes.. the truth of salvation..
Well how did you believe.. become saved.. was it through a rigorous testing of your knowledge of the old and new testament? Did you pour over the entirety of the bible and after reading until your eyes were crossed and the words blurred... did you then obtain enough knowledge to understand ... the simple truth
... that you (Astrid, etc. entire race) were in deep enmity with the Lord. In fact you rebelled against all that was and is good- your creator - God. Your opposition to the truth destroyed the relationship you could have and separated you from his love for eternity... But God rich in his mercy-- sent his son Jesus Christ ( who was and is perfect to die ( pay the price) for your wrong doings. His blood redeemed you from the wrath ( just punishment of your sins and hatred ) and saved you by his grace to be again rejoined to his family and have communion with Him.....
That's it -- that's the plan of salvation..but it's gotta be harder than believing right.. well not really.. the hard part is living having shed this old self ( enemy of God ) and living as a follower of Christ.
What brought this on you may ask...
Let's go back to approximately 2 and half hours ago.
It's 4:07 p.m. and I'm at the 99ct store shopping for soap. At about 4:25p.m. I leave having bought the soap, pasta, whoopers, and chocolate cream cheese...how is it that when you go in for soap you end up with more ( unless your my husband... more on that story later)
So usually at this 99ct store there are men and women who have donation buckets for the salvation army or a church organization. I had a dollar and well apparently God impressioned on my heart that I also had time to listen and talk to this young man who felt called to now share the Gospel.
As I began to talk with Gabriel about the Gospel, he was continuing into this path of sharing verse after verse with passion yet no connectivity, I felt compelled to share with him that I was a believer and understood the simplicity of the Gospel but asked him if he could practice and share with me what he would with an unbeliever. Gabriel was silent. He thought he was sharing the entire gospel; but all I continued to hear were scriptures and contradictions. I began to dig deep and ask Gabriel to relate to me as if I was someone who didn't understand the many doctrines he spoke of..again.. silence and a pause. I could see his desire to impart wisdom in the way that his church had trained him and in the way he believed others should know. We talked about false doctrine and how it could be decieving unless you were told the entire truth... well what exactly is that truth... If you have a limited amount of time to share with someone-- a seeker, an atheist, whoever it may be.. what can you tell them about Christ. As we continued to talk I realize an uneasiness within Gabriel's admittance in the simplicity of believing and instead I see this longing to push one to understand as much biblical knowledge as the sharer ( in this case Gabriel ) can impart on the unbeliever. What of this knowledge..does it save. Does knowing so much about the Bible and Jesus or coming to terms with various doctrines and the differences in denominations and teachings.. Does that save?
Or does Christ in his own words Repent and Believe say enough.
An interesting discussion about politics lead to the concept of humlity. Can God save you where you are or should you abandon your earthly position to recieve the gospel.. moreover.. when you have been saved does your new life warrant that you must relinquish the political position of power you once held....or does God's glory magnify when we are glorifying him in our same roles but with changed and tranformed hearts. Gabriel had to think about that.. and after i posed another senario a wealthy person who becomes saved.. does he litterally need to sell his possession and follow Christ..well maybe or maybe not. If his possession continue to keep him from serving... then yes... but what if his mansion is a place where others can benefit. Gabriel said he could make his home a church building... Using what God gives us to futher his kindgom.. in the end we are striving to live a life honoring our maker in whatever capacity he gifts to us.
I would love to share the the various tangents we came across in our discussion but at the crux of it I knew he already seen that even in my belief of the simplicity of the cross and the life we are to lead afterwards... he continued cling to the belief that was just too easy.
As we parted ways I said I would pray for Gabriel and asked him to pray for me...and reminded him that in the end the doctrines we cling onto or deny are nothing without the saving grace of believing in the Christ who death ransomed me from the hell I would be in otherwise.
Needless to say an hour or so later.. as we talked in the hot sun, as passerbys walked in and out of the store...God continued to show me the amazing truth of his presence in our lives. Despite the differences Gabriel and I have in doctrinal truths... I deeply desire that as he does share the gospel to others on his door to door walks with his church... that the it would simply be the truth.a simple truth of faith, repentance and living a new life in obedience to his word.
Is the Gospel something complicated or simple. Can we actually preach to those we meet on the street or a neighbor or even a friend in a few minutes.. the truth of salvation..
Well how did you believe.. become saved.. was it through a rigorous testing of your knowledge of the old and new testament? Did you pour over the entirety of the bible and after reading until your eyes were crossed and the words blurred... did you then obtain enough knowledge to understand ... the simple truth
... that you (Astrid, etc. entire race) were in deep enmity with the Lord. In fact you rebelled against all that was and is good- your creator - God. Your opposition to the truth destroyed the relationship you could have and separated you from his love for eternity... But God rich in his mercy-- sent his son Jesus Christ ( who was and is perfect to die ( pay the price) for your wrong doings. His blood redeemed you from the wrath ( just punishment of your sins and hatred ) and saved you by his grace to be again rejoined to his family and have communion with Him.....
That's it -- that's the plan of salvation..but it's gotta be harder than believing right.. well not really.. the hard part is living having shed this old self ( enemy of God ) and living as a follower of Christ.
What brought this on you may ask...
Let's go back to approximately 2 and half hours ago.
It's 4:07 p.m. and I'm at the 99ct store shopping for soap. At about 4:25p.m. I leave having bought the soap, pasta, whoopers, and chocolate cream cheese...how is it that when you go in for soap you end up with more ( unless your my husband... more on that story later)
So usually at this 99ct store there are men and women who have donation buckets for the salvation army or a church organization. I had a dollar and well apparently God impressioned on my heart that I also had time to listen and talk to this young man who felt called to now share the Gospel.
As I began to talk with Gabriel about the Gospel, he was continuing into this path of sharing verse after verse with passion yet no connectivity, I felt compelled to share with him that I was a believer and understood the simplicity of the Gospel but asked him if he could practice and share with me what he would with an unbeliever. Gabriel was silent. He thought he was sharing the entire gospel; but all I continued to hear were scriptures and contradictions. I began to dig deep and ask Gabriel to relate to me as if I was someone who didn't understand the many doctrines he spoke of..again.. silence and a pause. I could see his desire to impart wisdom in the way that his church had trained him and in the way he believed others should know. We talked about false doctrine and how it could be decieving unless you were told the entire truth... well what exactly is that truth... If you have a limited amount of time to share with someone-- a seeker, an atheist, whoever it may be.. what can you tell them about Christ. As we continued to talk I realize an uneasiness within Gabriel's admittance in the simplicity of believing and instead I see this longing to push one to understand as much biblical knowledge as the sharer ( in this case Gabriel ) can impart on the unbeliever. What of this knowledge..does it save. Does knowing so much about the Bible and Jesus or coming to terms with various doctrines and the differences in denominations and teachings.. Does that save?
Or does Christ in his own words Repent and Believe say enough.
An interesting discussion about politics lead to the concept of humlity. Can God save you where you are or should you abandon your earthly position to recieve the gospel.. moreover.. when you have been saved does your new life warrant that you must relinquish the political position of power you once held....or does God's glory magnify when we are glorifying him in our same roles but with changed and tranformed hearts. Gabriel had to think about that.. and after i posed another senario a wealthy person who becomes saved.. does he litterally need to sell his possession and follow Christ..well maybe or maybe not. If his possession continue to keep him from serving... then yes... but what if his mansion is a place where others can benefit. Gabriel said he could make his home a church building... Using what God gives us to futher his kindgom.. in the end we are striving to live a life honoring our maker in whatever capacity he gifts to us.
I would love to share the the various tangents we came across in our discussion but at the crux of it I knew he already seen that even in my belief of the simplicity of the cross and the life we are to lead afterwards... he continued cling to the belief that was just too easy.
As we parted ways I said I would pray for Gabriel and asked him to pray for me...and reminded him that in the end the doctrines we cling onto or deny are nothing without the saving grace of believing in the Christ who death ransomed me from the hell I would be in otherwise.
Needless to say an hour or so later.. as we talked in the hot sun, as passerbys walked in and out of the store...God continued to show me the amazing truth of his presence in our lives. Despite the differences Gabriel and I have in doctrinal truths... I deeply desire that as he does share the gospel to others on his door to door walks with his church... that the it would simply be the truth.a simple truth of faith, repentance and living a new life in obedience to his word.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Wedding Pictures
Hey I finally got my wedding pictures.. YAY!! Just wanted yall to know and to throw one up for your viewing pleasure
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Hmmm Healthy..
Hmmmm. That maybe be true.. though I'm pretty sure there are healthy people that die young everyday.. I'm not here to debate the issue... just realizing that I'm tired of abusing my body and really it's not mine to abuse... It's God's temple to do whatever he wants with it.
Lately I've been convicted to really get down to the nitty gritty and lose that 20 lbs. I've been trying to lose these last 6-8 years. Well here goes. Before I got married my lovely thin physician's assist said I needed to lose 20 lbs. by December.. Not unreasonsable. Ok after the wedding I'll start eating better. So that didn't work out. I'm realizing my love of food is strong... but not stronger than the fact that I need to be healthier overall for my family.. for my husband.. the youngin that he is.
Here we go again and well hopefully this time it sticks.. I've always been able to lose 5 lbs here and there but then I get complacent and unmotivated.. well make goals Astrid.. Yeah did that. But I think now more than the goal of a specific BMI or weight on a scale.. I realize my body is mad at me. It is furious in fact with my lack of care... which translates to my idolatry of food, laziness and lack of discipline. Seems harsh but unfortunately true. It seems like people are pushing healthy, but to be honest we are the number one obsese nation in the world. We push perfection but when we aim for those unattainable standards we eat ourselves to death... or don't eat ourselves to death.
I don't have an unhealthy relationship with food, but I realize I do not have the best perspective on health. Health is different from beauty. Beauty happens to trigger these unrealistic standards by which we govern our bodies. Women especially - myself included at times.. but as I have been reading various excerpts from Jonathan Edwards on beauty -- we humans have askewed view of what God created to magnify and glofiry himself. Beauty is in the eye of our Lord's eye. He created us in his image and said we were good, therefore God thinks we are beautiful... what happens to this form is our responsibility and God requires us to maintain it for his glory.
I guess I've just been mindful of the fact that I have been robbing God of his glory when I say I don't care about the condition of my body... not talking about image here. For remember we were fearfully and wonderfully made... uniquely..so looking different is good.. it is the vessel only and more importantly this vessel is made to work for him.
What it all boils down to is.. my heart on the issue of health. My heart has been clouded with images of falsehood and even as I've known there needs to be a healthier me-- I've rebelled because of the work required to get there. But with everything that God has given us -- work is invovled. We are constantly in need of working out our salvation... meaning we need to be active and not sedentary in our lives..
Hmmm and you though this was gonna be me complaining about how fat I am... well I'm not.. No more compliants and hopefully if you're reading this.. you too are encouraged as whatever health range you are now... to be better... for the work that God has prepared for you will be hard... but it will be worth it.
Lately I've been convicted to really get down to the nitty gritty and lose that 20 lbs. I've been trying to lose these last 6-8 years. Well here goes. Before I got married my lovely thin physician's assist said I needed to lose 20 lbs. by December.. Not unreasonsable. Ok after the wedding I'll start eating better. So that didn't work out. I'm realizing my love of food is strong... but not stronger than the fact that I need to be healthier overall for my family.. for my husband.. the youngin that he is.
Here we go again and well hopefully this time it sticks.. I've always been able to lose 5 lbs here and there but then I get complacent and unmotivated.. well make goals Astrid.. Yeah did that. But I think now more than the goal of a specific BMI or weight on a scale.. I realize my body is mad at me. It is furious in fact with my lack of care... which translates to my idolatry of food, laziness and lack of discipline. Seems harsh but unfortunately true. It seems like people are pushing healthy, but to be honest we are the number one obsese nation in the world. We push perfection but when we aim for those unattainable standards we eat ourselves to death... or don't eat ourselves to death.
I don't have an unhealthy relationship with food, but I realize I do not have the best perspective on health. Health is different from beauty. Beauty happens to trigger these unrealistic standards by which we govern our bodies. Women especially - myself included at times.. but as I have been reading various excerpts from Jonathan Edwards on beauty -- we humans have askewed view of what God created to magnify and glofiry himself. Beauty is in the eye of our Lord's eye. He created us in his image and said we were good, therefore God thinks we are beautiful... what happens to this form is our responsibility and God requires us to maintain it for his glory.
I guess I've just been mindful of the fact that I have been robbing God of his glory when I say I don't care about the condition of my body... not talking about image here. For remember we were fearfully and wonderfully made... uniquely..so looking different is good.. it is the vessel only and more importantly this vessel is made to work for him.
What it all boils down to is.. my heart on the issue of health. My heart has been clouded with images of falsehood and even as I've known there needs to be a healthier me-- I've rebelled because of the work required to get there. But with everything that God has given us -- work is invovled. We are constantly in need of working out our salvation... meaning we need to be active and not sedentary in our lives..
Hmmm and you though this was gonna be me complaining about how fat I am... well I'm not.. No more compliants and hopefully if you're reading this.. you too are encouraged as whatever health range you are now... to be better... for the work that God has prepared for you will be hard... but it will be worth it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Qualifications
So I'm starting the job seach process and about 20 minutes I'm trailing off to craiglist antiques and free curbside alerts... grr. I feel like i'm just stuck in a box and I'm not qualified for much.. ok so the answer is school... yeah and another loan and time still being in a job where I'm pretty much done with... so what to do... get qualified.. for what. jury is still out. I think I need to write my way out of this... maybe there's a story here.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Itch
When you are on the verge of the natural process of escaping your personal staus quo situation --- then my friends you are experiencing an itch. There are two ways to scratch this itch.
1. You carefully assess the nature of the itch and attack--- fighting so to speak. This doesn't mean all out knock out drag out... but the willingness to stick it out...Fighters are rare and often hurt in the end or win... it depends on the severity of the itch
2. You do what most people do... over or under analyze the itch and after speaking to a number of people who are also experiencing their own personal itch you... flee.
So al this talk about itches and still no concrete definition.
An Itch is subjective. Itches are these frenzied or not so frenzied moments in your life when you are contemplating a desire to do drastic changes but are afraid if the results of the ripples...
Some are good at scratching these itches and coming out with an amazing "boot straps" made for TV triumphant story... then there's the rest of us... where it takes a considerable amount of years before we really do anything about the itch.
My current itch and a perpetual itch is the " What the heck am I gonna do with my life itch."
Sounds dramatic and yet aren't you thinking this may be an itch you've had to come to terms with.. of course it is. It's the Life Itch...
Here's the plan of attack usually.
Do something to sustain life as long as possible with the least restrictive means
Translation: Worship -- Work -- Live---
Sounds hideously boring.. But it isn't because the dashes comply a wide spectrum of itches all in themselves
Worship -- ( These two dashes after worship represent the ministry itch in my life)
As I delight in my Lord on a daily basis and realize that there is so much more to life than the action words but there are these lovely adjectives and adverbs that necessitate the very richness of our lives.
Worship- Do this Astrid because you are commanded and because God desires you to long for him and because he created you.
How then - boldly, eagerly, lovingly, constantly, prayerfully, with urgency...
Then there's the what do I actually do with this question complied in the itch-- after the nagging sensation of trying to reconcile what gifts God has given that I may use them to the benefit of his glory... call me a persistent self antagonist.. I realize now on the verge of turning 30 in a month and a half-- that there are specific things I am fairly good at... unfortunately I'm am also aware of the specific things with which I lack ability.
I am an encourager, writer, helper.
My itch tells me that I need time. Time is not something I manage well...
My itch says I need ambition- also not a Astrid characteristic.
So here the itch-- just barely underneath the surface of my skin pricking its way and for the most part I do a dance with this particular itch where I subdue it while indulging my gifts and seemingly moving in the right direction..but then i realize the itch has resurfaced and I'm still asking the same questions... stay tuned for answers as I am prayerfully seeking God's will in working out this itch for a longer term---
Next itch-
Work-- ( These two dashes represent my career itch)
Current status-- enjoy and like job but not life's passion
Many have jobs, several have careers but I want to live and love the work I do each day... Wishing I was one of those kids that at the age of 3 new they wanted to be a doctor, cop, insurance agent, baker, pastor, internationally renown flautist... but alas.. i was a flighty wistful dreamer kid who well is still hoping to spend their life doing their life's passion and not be starving..
Itch says come on just leave... practicality says find a replacement first
Itch says replacement won't be satisfying--- practicality says... hmmm bills, food, Adam's face.
This itch usually resurfaces every 2-3 years and says time for something you really want to do...
So there it is...
As I am enjoying my new season of being a wife and loving my husband these nagging itches continue to cause noticeable bumps in the avenues of my thinking and I'm ready to scratch a plan of attack and move forward.... well I think I am
Monday, June 18, 2012
Father's Day-- Unexpected Pleasant Weekend
Holidays -- no matter how big or small have always been tense. This year father's day includes 2 dad. My dad and Adam's and well lets just say I was tense about one of the celebrations.
Saturday... lazying around with my hubby and preparing for my dad's birthday dinner and father's day rolled into one. Didn't quite know what to expect. Usually arguments ensue over no particular reason...sometimes being alive is a good reason to push a button or fight... but much to my suprise...nothing
Dad and little mo came over and we had a great time discussing the gospel- this doesn't happen often and I'm usually not one to venture down this path as it has bitten me in the butt previously...but when Dad has something pressing on his heart-- well that's fine. Back story ( Mom recently saved, Dad believes in God- though his actions display no fruit and a lack of complete submission.) So here Dad has just helped with a pastor at his apartments set up for a banquet to promote various services and raising money to support organizations etc... During the time of this banquet- mom inside and dad outside conversing with the pastor. Dad was recieving with an open heart the gospel and not only that application through the pastor's life. It was encouraging to see that my dad was really listening and absorbing the truth that so many others have tried to share.
Personally I see this as an answer to prayers that have spanned a decade--God please send someone specifically an older male to show Christ and encourage him. So I pray that this pastor who has taken an interest in my father will continue to witness with his life.
As he and Adam discuss the scriptural truths... my heart is beaming realizing that all the years of wondering and hoping...and know seeing -- even in it's begining a tiny crack in the shell of my father's barrier to God's desire for his heart--- we have an amazing and faithful sovereign God who still teaches me patienly wait my child for my plans are good.
Though I am hopeful I am also realistic and realize that there must be a continuing of spreading seeds... God plants the seeds, waters and bursting forth from the hardened earth of our compacted hearts--- be births new life...
It was a good day...
Sunday... Dad # 2.
Now these ocassions I don't usually find tense-- because they actually like holidays and enjoy talking about Christ and relaxing--- though dicussions can become heated--- oh for the love of talk radio-- my in-laws and husband...
Before we get to celebrating FAther's day with the Keans... we'll get to the convictions of my heart with the message on father's at church
Basically as I was listening to Pastor remind us of the amazing Father we have in God and that our earthly fathers though not comparable are to be honored... God commands us to honor our father and mother and we will have a have a long life ( Exodus 20:12) Honoring is a hard thing to do because of the relationship we have --- that I have with my father, but God's word does not leave us with an option of ifs...
Honor father and mother if... they are good, if they give you everything you need, if they are biblical parents, if they always treat you well and with respect...
Nope folks.. It just says do it.. because I God the father command it... and also it has a promise-- long life... well who doesn't want that. I'm sure some of us have another agenda for our lives and yeah the often morbidity in my character leans towards well saved me --- doesn't see death as a minus... because it's temporal... but i digress and we really have a purpose that requires us to be used as we are living in Him...
So Pastor reminds us that we honor our earthly fathers in these ways..
1. Work at a way to fulfill their dreams
2. Don't expose your dad's weakness
3. Focus on the good things they did.
Now regarding Dad's dreams-- I've never been the supportive, optimistic child who believed in my father's dreams... I often found them too large and unrealistic... I now realize that my dad really only wanted my affirmation and support... Working on my sinfulness tendencies to be a cynic...
The 2nd one is my biggest downfall as I have often portrayed my father in a discouraging light do to our tumultous relationship.... As God continued to convict my heart in service I realize that my witness to him these past 10 years have been poor. I have far too often refused to forgive and forget the hurt and pain he has caused --- knowing I was forgiven by my savior. Then remembering what they did good. There are good memories of my father and I am actively working on future good memories.. thankfully I have a wonderfully patient husband who love my dad and whom my dad loves.
So as I sat and listened and realized the changes I needed to make in my relationship with my father... I am celebrating with my beloved' father and he had a similar relationship with his dad.
As the afternoon drifts and the food settles in our bellys...Adam and Holly remember the good and fun memories they have shared with Ken( dad -in-law) and I chime in with some of my favorite memories. I observe the laugther and joy that Ken has as they recall stories and as he remembers the tense past he had with his own father... He wants to be better for them and as a result their legacy to carry on from his love of them. I am also remember the good times with my own dad... and I am acutely aware of the legacy parents especially fathers leave for their children....
Dads and Moms are constantly shaping their childrens steps with each encourgaging word, disappointing rant, teachable moment, presence, absence -- Children are noticing, taking, redirecting, absorbing, repeating, and living their lives with the great influence of their Fathers and Mothers...
As I am learning to be a wife and one day may become a mom..I want to honor my father and mother as I would hope my children honor me and continue this legacy that God commanded us..
Saturday... lazying around with my hubby and preparing for my dad's birthday dinner and father's day rolled into one. Didn't quite know what to expect. Usually arguments ensue over no particular reason...sometimes being alive is a good reason to push a button or fight... but much to my suprise...nothing
Dad and little mo came over and we had a great time discussing the gospel- this doesn't happen often and I'm usually not one to venture down this path as it has bitten me in the butt previously...but when Dad has something pressing on his heart-- well that's fine. Back story ( Mom recently saved, Dad believes in God- though his actions display no fruit and a lack of complete submission.) So here Dad has just helped with a pastor at his apartments set up for a banquet to promote various services and raising money to support organizations etc... During the time of this banquet- mom inside and dad outside conversing with the pastor. Dad was recieving with an open heart the gospel and not only that application through the pastor's life. It was encouraging to see that my dad was really listening and absorbing the truth that so many others have tried to share.
Personally I see this as an answer to prayers that have spanned a decade--God please send someone specifically an older male to show Christ and encourage him. So I pray that this pastor who has taken an interest in my father will continue to witness with his life.
As he and Adam discuss the scriptural truths... my heart is beaming realizing that all the years of wondering and hoping...and know seeing -- even in it's begining a tiny crack in the shell of my father's barrier to God's desire for his heart--- we have an amazing and faithful sovereign God who still teaches me patienly wait my child for my plans are good.
Though I am hopeful I am also realistic and realize that there must be a continuing of spreading seeds... God plants the seeds, waters and bursting forth from the hardened earth of our compacted hearts--- be births new life...
It was a good day...
Sunday... Dad # 2.
Now these ocassions I don't usually find tense-- because they actually like holidays and enjoy talking about Christ and relaxing--- though dicussions can become heated--- oh for the love of talk radio-- my in-laws and husband...
Before we get to celebrating FAther's day with the Keans... we'll get to the convictions of my heart with the message on father's at church
Basically as I was listening to Pastor remind us of the amazing Father we have in God and that our earthly fathers though not comparable are to be honored... God commands us to honor our father and mother and we will have a have a long life ( Exodus 20:12) Honoring is a hard thing to do because of the relationship we have --- that I have with my father, but God's word does not leave us with an option of ifs...
Honor father and mother if... they are good, if they give you everything you need, if they are biblical parents, if they always treat you well and with respect...
Nope folks.. It just says do it.. because I God the father command it... and also it has a promise-- long life... well who doesn't want that. I'm sure some of us have another agenda for our lives and yeah the often morbidity in my character leans towards well saved me --- doesn't see death as a minus... because it's temporal... but i digress and we really have a purpose that requires us to be used as we are living in Him...
So Pastor reminds us that we honor our earthly fathers in these ways..
1. Work at a way to fulfill their dreams
2. Don't expose your dad's weakness
3. Focus on the good things they did.
Now regarding Dad's dreams-- I've never been the supportive, optimistic child who believed in my father's dreams... I often found them too large and unrealistic... I now realize that my dad really only wanted my affirmation and support... Working on my sinfulness tendencies to be a cynic...
The 2nd one is my biggest downfall as I have often portrayed my father in a discouraging light do to our tumultous relationship.... As God continued to convict my heart in service I realize that my witness to him these past 10 years have been poor. I have far too often refused to forgive and forget the hurt and pain he has caused --- knowing I was forgiven by my savior. Then remembering what they did good. There are good memories of my father and I am actively working on future good memories.. thankfully I have a wonderfully patient husband who love my dad and whom my dad loves.
So as I sat and listened and realized the changes I needed to make in my relationship with my father... I am celebrating with my beloved' father and he had a similar relationship with his dad.
As the afternoon drifts and the food settles in our bellys...Adam and Holly remember the good and fun memories they have shared with Ken( dad -in-law) and I chime in with some of my favorite memories. I observe the laugther and joy that Ken has as they recall stories and as he remembers the tense past he had with his own father... He wants to be better for them and as a result their legacy to carry on from his love of them. I am also remember the good times with my own dad... and I am acutely aware of the legacy parents especially fathers leave for their children....
Dads and Moms are constantly shaping their childrens steps with each encourgaging word, disappointing rant, teachable moment, presence, absence -- Children are noticing, taking, redirecting, absorbing, repeating, and living their lives with the great influence of their Fathers and Mothers...
As I am learning to be a wife and one day may become a mom..I want to honor my father and mother as I would hope my children honor me and continue this legacy that God commanded us..
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
And when they call...
There are a handful of people in my life that I know I can call when I'm in a trial or hurting or on the verge of tears that I can call and they will know the right thing to say...
Then there's me... I am that to some of my friends too. It's a tall responsibility but I am thankful that I am trusted with the hearts of my dearest and closest friends who need a listener...
A few days ago one of my oldest, closest friends Angela called and left a message on my phone. The crux of it was that her father lost his job of 22 years and she was painfully aware that she could not do anything to fix it... it's funny but when we are in pain or something surreal or traumatic happens to us.. our instinct is-- what can I do to fix this. Sometimes the answer is you can't.. you just sit and let another chapter of life unfold.
We are not good at sitting and waiting-- Lord knows I am a testimony to this..remember my kicking and screaming in the past 2 seasons of my life. Well here I have a friend who calls me asking me to pray- she knows I will. She knows I have a direct line to God. He happens to be my father and well there's a part of her ( though unwilling to submit God and his sovereignty) there is a part that understands he is in control. But then there's this other part that says. I thought I was. How can I take control over the situation.
We can't.
As I listen and she unfolds the story of confusion and grief, I tell her that she will be okay, her father will be okay. They have been provided for and God has a plan. She's heard the consoling, encouraging tones of my speech before and the direction always points to Christ and his plan. Angela knows my love for her and desire to see this period in her life to work itself out... but I also know she has to submit and realize that it will not be by her doing.
Surrendering is hard when we are thriving to be independent and live in this unpredictable and fallen world. But surrendering is necessary to understand the provision and hope that God is faithful --in every situation.
So as a friend I wait. I tell my dear friend I am praying as she waits... and I as my pastor calls us to do live out my faith by showing the compassion Christ showed me in mercifully plucking me from the what should have been my fate--eternity without him.
And when they call... our beloved friends who we have lived with, cried with, loved and still reject the truth of all hope and peace... what do we do.. we listen, we cry, we pray and continue to love... hoping that our love--in it's small way is an opening to the work that God is already actively drawing themselves to him-- this part we don't see..not yet anyways.... but when we do... we continue to love and encourage and build...
For now... we answer.
Then there's me... I am that to some of my friends too. It's a tall responsibility but I am thankful that I am trusted with the hearts of my dearest and closest friends who need a listener...
A few days ago one of my oldest, closest friends Angela called and left a message on my phone. The crux of it was that her father lost his job of 22 years and she was painfully aware that she could not do anything to fix it... it's funny but when we are in pain or something surreal or traumatic happens to us.. our instinct is-- what can I do to fix this. Sometimes the answer is you can't.. you just sit and let another chapter of life unfold.
We are not good at sitting and waiting-- Lord knows I am a testimony to this..remember my kicking and screaming in the past 2 seasons of my life. Well here I have a friend who calls me asking me to pray- she knows I will. She knows I have a direct line to God. He happens to be my father and well there's a part of her ( though unwilling to submit God and his sovereignty) there is a part that understands he is in control. But then there's this other part that says. I thought I was. How can I take control over the situation.
We can't.
As I listen and she unfolds the story of confusion and grief, I tell her that she will be okay, her father will be okay. They have been provided for and God has a plan. She's heard the consoling, encouraging tones of my speech before and the direction always points to Christ and his plan. Angela knows my love for her and desire to see this period in her life to work itself out... but I also know she has to submit and realize that it will not be by her doing.
Surrendering is hard when we are thriving to be independent and live in this unpredictable and fallen world. But surrendering is necessary to understand the provision and hope that God is faithful --in every situation.
So as a friend I wait. I tell my dear friend I am praying as she waits... and I as my pastor calls us to do live out my faith by showing the compassion Christ showed me in mercifully plucking me from the what should have been my fate--eternity without him.
And when they call... our beloved friends who we have lived with, cried with, loved and still reject the truth of all hope and peace... what do we do.. we listen, we cry, we pray and continue to love... hoping that our love--in it's small way is an opening to the work that God is already actively drawing themselves to him-- this part we don't see..not yet anyways.... but when we do... we continue to love and encourage and build...
For now... we answer.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Family
So here we are a new family... Just Adam and I.. Ha.. There's still the lingeringness of the family from where you once came... sure there are days when they are supportive and sweet and altogether meaning well in their criticsm of you... but then there are days when the buttons they push are still readily accessible and well... kaboom!!!!
It doesn't seem to matter how old you get... parents are stiller older and as they would claim wiser... this is subjective to say in the least...
What i do understand is that no matter what happens there is this choice to make-- love them or don't... I often lean towards the don't when I've been boxed in a corner... but this is wrong and I understand that my choice should always be to love--- Christ loved me first --- unconditionally... so here I go.. chosing to love.. It's hard folks, especially when the person you're trying to love rejects you... oh but wait... I guess that's how I was and can still be towards Christ..
Breaking
the bones
of my flesh
the words
that crash through
the delibrate
uncensored hate
You spoke them
raw, unfiltered
My brusies covered
Scars healed
Each vindictive sentence
Poisionous phrase
Swallowed by fire
Refined by his grace
The words sting
Deep cuts
now made clean
Washed by the blood
Made whole
By the King
Remembering that I was given a family to learn from, live with and love actively..
Thankful that I am adopted by God's grace into his family.
It doesn't seem to matter how old you get... parents are stiller older and as they would claim wiser... this is subjective to say in the least...
What i do understand is that no matter what happens there is this choice to make-- love them or don't... I often lean towards the don't when I've been boxed in a corner... but this is wrong and I understand that my choice should always be to love--- Christ loved me first --- unconditionally... so here I go.. chosing to love.. It's hard folks, especially when the person you're trying to love rejects you... oh but wait... I guess that's how I was and can still be towards Christ..
Breaking
the bones
of my flesh
the words
that crash through
the delibrate
uncensored hate
You spoke them
raw, unfiltered
My brusies covered
Scars healed
Each vindictive sentence
Poisionous phrase
Swallowed by fire
Refined by his grace
The words sting
Deep cuts
now made clean
Washed by the blood
Made whole
By the King
Remembering that I was given a family to learn from, live with and love actively..
Thankful that I am adopted by God's grace into his family.
back into this blogging thing and so much to say
hey well we left off with me yelling at my computer and then learning how retrieve a saved post.. she can be taught...
meanwhile on a side side note.. my husband is amazing and he is showing this as he finishes up washing the dishes, scrubbing the stove and being the kind compassionate and encouraging man that myself and so many others know him to be...
so here's the low down... wedding planning blues... ups-- Adam my other half and the ultimate helper, listener, work until the wee hours of the morning best friend..
downs-- the planning itself. I still after it's all been done don't understand why on earth women put themselves through this kind of hell... and all for a day... well i kind of do understand..because the moment my beloved Adam saw me... all the headaches of planning and little details faded away into obilvions-- don't get me wrong.. i definitely don't want to do the big wedding thing again...for as long as I live..still an advocate of elopement.
what i did learn was the why...
why are you taking the plunge, the leap , the leave and cleave... well because I love him. That's it folks you sacrifice time, tears, health, because in the end you realize the amazing gift God has given you.. a mate -- he my helpmate and i his-- for the generous and gracious hours, days, months, years until you two are no longer here... and in His glory...
As I enter this new season of life--- not kicking and screaming as the last two-- i am grateful that I'm starting to learn my lessons-- but mostly grateful God has given me a man who is patient and willing to walk with me as i learn them..
meanwhile on a side side note.. my husband is amazing and he is showing this as he finishes up washing the dishes, scrubbing the stove and being the kind compassionate and encouraging man that myself and so many others know him to be...
so here's the low down... wedding planning blues... ups-- Adam my other half and the ultimate helper, listener, work until the wee hours of the morning best friend..
downs-- the planning itself. I still after it's all been done don't understand why on earth women put themselves through this kind of hell... and all for a day... well i kind of do understand..because the moment my beloved Adam saw me... all the headaches of planning and little details faded away into obilvions-- don't get me wrong.. i definitely don't want to do the big wedding thing again...for as long as I live..still an advocate of elopement.
what i did learn was the why...
why are you taking the plunge, the leap , the leave and cleave... well because I love him. That's it folks you sacrifice time, tears, health, because in the end you realize the amazing gift God has given you.. a mate -- he my helpmate and i his-- for the generous and gracious hours, days, months, years until you two are no longer here... and in His glory...
As I enter this new season of life--- not kicking and screaming as the last two-- i am grateful that I'm starting to learn my lessons-- but mostly grateful God has given me a man who is patient and willing to walk with me as i learn them..
Welcome back, and oh btw i'm Mrs. Adam J Kean
So it's been a while is quite the understatement, since thne last time I posted I was in a whirlwind of angst and in wedding season.. I believe someone asked me a about 6 months ago how many weddings did I end up attending in 2011.. We I believe the finaly count was 7. Then there was this phase of the when is it gonna be me-- this was a dark period and I fortunately God's grace and a big dose of humility gave me the strength to get through.. So what happens when you watch all your friends move on with their lives in the way of matrimony... well you cry a little-- focus on other things, climb mountains, and pray to God. On September 18th 2011, long awaited and definitely a surprise.. my dear sweet muffin Adam proposed to me... It was surreal...good but sureal... Yay!!! this is gonna be great. Not so much in the planning aspect but the finally going to continue my life with my soul mate aspect.
Well those who know me and have lived with me... patiently so I must add as I'm not the easiest person to live with... I have my quirks.. Well remember the part about how I attended so many weddings and after a while I was just tired of being an attender--- well during this kicking and screaming period of my life... I was pretty blind as to what God was trying to teach me with regards to patience...enter engaged season. Here I am excited to be engaged and yet again I'm kicking and screaming and crying and and hating the little details of planning a wedding.
Thought process of Astrid during wedding planning---
Initial Enjoyment... this does not truly wane though it has some low points when all I can think of is eloping with Adam.
So one month in... Venues, Dates, I'm not good at planning, This cost how much... what do you mean breakfast is weird for weddings, and oh wait this isn't really my wedding but a wedding for everyone else in my life...huh...answer courthouse, 2 witnesses and huge savings...( that didn't fly-- I'll post wedding pics later)
3 months down the road- Venue picked, caterer on board with breakfast, dress bought, bridesmaids chosen and dresses ordered, hell beginining
All those beautiful little details that haunt you in the night and cause your body to transform in various forms of ulcerative pains... ( Background info... now those of you who know me, know I'm a heavy sleeper and won't wake up for anything. I've slept through tornadoes, earthquake-- these I don't even feel when i'm a awake.. so when I started having trouble sleeping I know this wedding thing was no good...so what got me from tossing and turning and digestion issues-- to a now married woman... Well when you're awake you can't help but think and pray..so that what I did... first I was in a selfish mode... praying about me and how this period of life sucked... then God smacked me and I realized I wasn't the only one having issues... So 3-4 or sometimes 5 o'clock was the waking hour(s) in which I would pray for everything...everything I could remember.. friends- unsaved, saved, roomies-- school issues, guy issues, the kids at church, Adam our relationship, little mo, dad, friends having babies, co-workers
This was a blessed time... tiring but mindful time. I hated the kicking and screaming portion but this unfortunately in some ways continued in more lesser strains.
Moving along it's been 6 months and to be honest... I checked out of planning and had to deal with a heavier load at work and the possibility of my boss being gone for months at a time and well doing both our jobs. This has yet to happen.. Pray for his mom, My boss's name is Christian and his mother is battling cancer. During this time God has really given me opportunities to grow and encourage those around me... I must admit... it's hard to stay focused on God when you're anxious... so the remedy.. well in Matthew 6:25-34 ( God says don't be anxious... He has given us what we need..)
So huh God our great sovereign provider is telling me not to be anxious... well listen Astrid.. if you're going to encourage you better take a big heap of what God's giving and what you're passing onto others...
( Must insert this... I have a hard time excepting technology as a helpful source... even as I write this blog... I find that it is working against me) Could also be be because I'm writing this at 4 am
So to be continued... as I realize I need sleep to continue being able to post in a sane manner that doesn't have me screaming " Oh no, I just lost my post...waking my poor husband up wondering why I'm awake at this hour anyway... To bed.. More later
Well those who know me and have lived with me... patiently so I must add as I'm not the easiest person to live with... I have my quirks.. Well remember the part about how I attended so many weddings and after a while I was just tired of being an attender--- well during this kicking and screaming period of my life... I was pretty blind as to what God was trying to teach me with regards to patience...enter engaged season. Here I am excited to be engaged and yet again I'm kicking and screaming and crying and and hating the little details of planning a wedding.
Thought process of Astrid during wedding planning---
Initial Enjoyment... this does not truly wane though it has some low points when all I can think of is eloping with Adam.
So one month in... Venues, Dates, I'm not good at planning, This cost how much... what do you mean breakfast is weird for weddings, and oh wait this isn't really my wedding but a wedding for everyone else in my life...huh...answer courthouse, 2 witnesses and huge savings...( that didn't fly-- I'll post wedding pics later)
3 months down the road- Venue picked, caterer on board with breakfast, dress bought, bridesmaids chosen and dresses ordered, hell beginining
All those beautiful little details that haunt you in the night and cause your body to transform in various forms of ulcerative pains... ( Background info... now those of you who know me, know I'm a heavy sleeper and won't wake up for anything. I've slept through tornadoes, earthquake-- these I don't even feel when i'm a awake.. so when I started having trouble sleeping I know this wedding thing was no good...so what got me from tossing and turning and digestion issues-- to a now married woman... Well when you're awake you can't help but think and pray..so that what I did... first I was in a selfish mode... praying about me and how this period of life sucked... then God smacked me and I realized I wasn't the only one having issues... So 3-4 or sometimes 5 o'clock was the waking hour(s) in which I would pray for everything...everything I could remember.. friends- unsaved, saved, roomies-- school issues, guy issues, the kids at church, Adam our relationship, little mo, dad, friends having babies, co-workers
This was a blessed time... tiring but mindful time. I hated the kicking and screaming portion but this unfortunately in some ways continued in more lesser strains.
Moving along it's been 6 months and to be honest... I checked out of planning and had to deal with a heavier load at work and the possibility of my boss being gone for months at a time and well doing both our jobs. This has yet to happen.. Pray for his mom, My boss's name is Christian and his mother is battling cancer. During this time God has really given me opportunities to grow and encourage those around me... I must admit... it's hard to stay focused on God when you're anxious... so the remedy.. well in Matthew 6:25-34 ( God says don't be anxious... He has given us what we need..)
So huh God our great sovereign provider is telling me not to be anxious... well listen Astrid.. if you're going to encourage you better take a big heap of what God's giving and what you're passing onto others...
( Must insert this... I have a hard time excepting technology as a helpful source... even as I write this blog... I find that it is working against me) Could also be be because I'm writing this at 4 am
So to be continued... as I realize I need sleep to continue being able to post in a sane manner that doesn't have me screaming " Oh no, I just lost my post...waking my poor husband up wondering why I'm awake at this hour anyway... To bed.. More later
Sunday, May 8, 2011
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