Partially Fuzzy Cracker here I come

Well too my disappointment I've decided I have to eat the fuzzy cracker. So this waiting game is not really working out for me. I think maybe I'll bite the bullet swallow what little pride I had and delve into a possibilty I wasn't planning. I feel as if during the last few years enduring through school was really not worth it to end up working the same job I had before I leap. Disappointment does not cover my current emotional status. Everything seems worthless at this point and I'm really wondering what kind of plan my Lord has for me... If he wants me to suffer and die for Him, I'm game but I don't understand this hanging balance. My trials are my own and I don't expect anyone to understand how pushed against the wall I feel. I'm lacking the strength( though I know mine is inferior to He who gives strength) to push back and I can feel my spirit dying. Pray