Facing future

12-17-08 Dad comes home
12-18-08 few fights...mostly he and my mother.
12-20-08 the quarterly blowout to wrap up 2008

So lets preface this with another dad homecoming. Well not really home..not to me at least. This place where we lay our heads for the moment... as brief as it may be...is not my home. So onward we go. Dad's homecoming #365 or more can't keep count these days. Well it's somewhat pleasant. We fall into a routine of superficial disdain topped off with honest, candid, coherent moments of absolute hate. So the days continue and arguments come here and there-- tame and easily difussed with a departure to another room. But then there's the infamous( aforementioned) quarterly blowout. Yes folks no-one lines up for miles to hear it. In fact people sell their tickets from the otherwise dramatic tension filled Washingtonian afterschool special --once enjoyed-- now sold off to avoid the upcoming cage match. Heated debates oh one can hope... Instead they become caustic fights, challenging one's pride, faith, and integrity. At the end the victor is clear..the evil one has wedged himself into an already Grand Cayon scale rift b/n my earthly father and I. So here are the stupid details. Watching tv with mom late last night...asked to change channel to see history channe-- it's a show about the Da Vinci Code.. New books of the bible found an illicit relationship revealed about Mary Magdalene to Jesus. Oh the hypocrasy and heinous lies of it all. So a comment by me that is percieved to be negative concerning the program's validity then sparks his defensiveness towards my wanting to stay grounded in my faith. Apparently I am close minded due to my beliefs...b/c all I know is the Bible--growing up and learning it--no thanks to you, dad. Well okay and what warrants this view. Really b/c I believe the Bible to be complete and truth--this means that if I dislike , shrug off a commentary that doesn't align with God's word--this makes me close minded. Well Praise God for who he is which is faithful, reliable and steadfast in his nature!!!! I'm close minded for considering his word to be law and our only standard of truth. So the discussion...can I even justify it as a discussion--one where a prideful man towers over his daughter numbering point after point as to the fallacy and juvenilness of my attitude. No it wasn't a discussion. It was pride on display. His vs mine... (sad to admit my trying to not become indignant was pushed to a level on par with his anger)-- this will be one of the reasons for the title facing future. back to my journal thoughts.. I wanted so badly to yell get the Bible and Read it---know for yourself why I feel this s*** on tv is not to be trusted, believed and accepted.. of course you say don't accept it.. just listen. in listening can I not question its validity.. guess not. listen blindly like all the other lemmings dropping into the vast pits of hell...thanks I'll pass. So thanks to what little I know of his word because of His grace...I stand up and say hey this is some foolishness and not b/c of my opinion which doesn't mean sh** to you but b/c God is constant, unmoveable, forever faithful and his word word is truth and complete and our bread- Eat up or die. All else is feeble.-- thoughts of man's mind--knowledge that we try to process--if it doesn't point back to God---it's nothing. This was hard having this burden on my heart concerning the volatile nature of our relationship. My worship in church suffered immensly. While I should have been so much more excited as I am every day to be able to get to know my God more intimately-- now with other believers... my worship was severely hindered by my head's incapability to settle the pain in my heart. Convicted by Joel's message about authetic worship-- God is good.. How purposeful during this time.. though had nothing escalated.. I know my heart would have still been convicted.. my worship is and hasn't been where it needed to be. It has been dull, frail, dutiful, weary, weak and insincere and I felt the closeness I had with my Abba father start to widen b/c of what I had done, who I was becoming-- a cold-hearted person letting the rage fester.. Help ME !!!! I know the hypocrisy of my life--when my heart does not align with your plan.
The times are tough and still my heart should not be despaired.. God's word- says " For I consider the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18.
Praise our Lord most High.


Right now much prayer is asked concerning family, decisions on future location, and my heart, walk, attitude and action. Submitting to the Lord and obeying his will for my life.. not relenting to others who don't understand His purpose.