Thursday, September 27, 2012

When I can't sleep

So lately it seems that sleeping is not synonymous with Astrid. Apparently sleeping is fickle and has its own agenda with regards to my body. Sleep bids me to enter yet jolts me awake a few hours later. Sleep is definitely working in tandem with various other agents.. lets call this crew- Bo the Overwhelmer,  Bessie  Stressie and Harry the Distractor. The Don't Let Astrid Sleep Crew.

Why on earth would this group simultaneously gang up on me as I'm trying to enter my beloved REM state and forget the previous day's  woes hoping that the waking will be not to a new day of worries but the great illusion that life is good, uncomplicated and blissful... well unfortunately I don't even have the pleasure of this illusion creeping into my dreams. Thanks guys.

But could there be good in this.... Yes I have been wanting to read more this year and thus the agenda of my crew. Answered prayer. Ah my Lord how you're ways are indeed higher than mine. In my desire to devour more literature and grow spiritually, God has provided the platform.

Before we continue, a side note.
Recently I've been attending a Thursday night bible study. I will be visiting them in an 2 hours actually as I write this and our study material has been Worship. The book has challenged me in so many ways and I am glad to have met and know the women in the group. God has purposely placed me in study to show me several things
1. A lackluster worship life
2. My need to constantly depend on my Lord
3. New ways to praise Him and thank him
4. New words to sing to him
5. To be ever thirsty and ready for God to fill me with Himself

So moving back to my sleeplessness in Harbor City - not a result of my need to meet Tom Hanks, but definitely the trigger for me to come to Christ.

Tuesday morning 3:30 a.m. I lie awake restless, mind moving at an excruciating rate of speed that my ears seem to ache at the breaking of the sound barrier within my own skull. How the thoughts did not shatter my brain is beyond me. So after an hour of listening to myself not solve anything and realize that sleep would not come quickly, I read.

I picked up the Thursday night study book. Satisfy My Thirsty Soul - by Linda Dillow. As I'm reading, I finish one chapter encouraging me to bow down my attitude to the Lord. Bowing down meaning relinquishing and allowing God to consume this area of my life and in turn my giving Him my all. My attitude often does not reflect his grace and I sat and gave him my poor attitude and asked for him to renew me and refresh my heart. After this my eyes started to glaze and I realized God was calling me from my sleep to talk to him. I had spend the previous hour talking to myself and look where that got me. I was still upset and tired... but now as I continued to read God was showing me how to thirst and wait to be filler. I begin another chapter this one titled  I Bow my Work. I lingered on the title for quite some time hesistant to continue because I knew my heart would ache. It has not been a secret that my heart has left my job and I no longer find joy in working. So I read this title with reservation but knew that I had to read more.

This is what stuck out. Laborare est orar, Orare est laborare: This latin phrase is translated to " To work is to worship and to worship is to work.

I was not worshiping in my work  and God was telling me that I should.
Then the conversation between My Lord and I began to unfold a resonating rebellion in my bones. I was being shown that my work life was offending my God. I had no joy, no desire to enter the doors, to have meetings, to do anything. I was being selfish. This the chapter reminded me of a hard truth.

Who do you work for? 
Astrid, who is your boss?
Who sustains you?
You, God
Exactly so why are you displeased with the mission field and work I have given you.
I want more, something different. Is it bad to want more?
Who do you work for?
Who gave you your job/
Your talents?
Your gifts?
You, God. 

As the questions consumed my thoughts, I realized God was telling me. What I am giving you is what you need. I know what you desire. Know that I desire the best for you. Better than what even you could fathom. Trust me.

Then the words of God in Colossians 3:23-24

" Whatever you do, do heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive and inheritance which is your reward. You serve the Lord Christ."

Joy was nowhere to be found in my work life. But as he has placed me there to be his light. I should be the most joyful. Who do you serve Astrid? Serve with Joy
Stress was making me hostile towards the people I serve under or with- these men and women deserve my best...but more importantly. Who is my boss?  God would definitely give me a low rating, knowing that I am capable of loving more.
The check- Ultimately the piddly little check I received every two weeks was God's gift to sustain and remind me that in this life- we work for the temporal; however I have a share in an amazing inheritance- that's my real reward.
Finally I serve the Lord.

I meditated and memorized this to remind me that I do work for God. God who is gracious, good, loving, faithful,and worthy.

 It is still hectic and overwhelming and my heart yearns for more but today the as Lord drew me to him as I began the next chapter. I bow my times of waiting.