M.I.A. in March

sorry folks...so i've been sadly in a defunct state of being. I do have lots to inform my lovely blogging public.
Beginning of the month- I was promoted at my job... I took the measly increase in pay and the fun headaches to pursue.. wow somewhat rethinking this decision. No it's been interesting but good and I have to thank a very sweet woman Linda B for praying for me when I needed it. She's pretty darn cool. Definitely a godly woman I admire and respect. Love her kids :-)
Mid month- very un-defining and trite. Work, work and more work. Unfortunately I've been in this daze and it's hard trying to get out..even as I write this I dread the day to come...but only partially.- if that makes sense.
So yeah yeah those are the low lights.. here's the depth of me:
Lately I've been really struggling with my future or lack there of due to my fear of taking risks or leaping or anything for that matter these days. I think I'm becoming so overly cautious I'm forgetting how to breathe, to live, to be content.
Areas of Astrid's life under construction
Ministry: So i've been thinking about how non-effective I felt or been or both at my church and it sucks. I mean I have so much time to be a wonderful servant and i'm thinking of ways to get out of serving and for what-- for my own selfish personal gain of a life outside these tense and suffocating parental walls. So I thought I would put my extra time into looking for a 2nd job... but I can't seem to do it.. call it laziness, or God's way of saying Astrid where's your focus... certainly not om me.. so I'm in limbo and praying. --- morning devos have been kicking my ars.. it's a wonderful thing though. Ah humility. Everyday is such a humbling experience. Everyday I wake up and it's me staring at myself in the mirror, internal monologue of "What the hell are you doing with yourself Astrid!" Then I remember the cross and how's it's not even about me. It's about Him and his glory.
Words to love and live by:
James 4: 8-10 "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." A few days into March and God being the wise God that he is-- boldly speaks to my lack of nearness to him. He absolutely wants this relationship with me and I'm being foolish... so he calls me out on it by futhering saying .." cleanse your hands, you sinner(s); and purify your heart(s), you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up." God wants me to be sober...really think about what I'm doing, what I'm not doing. I was and am almost always intermittenly being selfish on several levels everyday. So here he calls me to mourn and weep. Trust me i've cried alot lately. on the verge of tears presently...and I think it's because of circumstances mostly and not b/c of my sin. I'm not very good at weeping over my sin but i'm learning to be... So God says draw near. How do I do that? Read Astrid, Pray Astrid, Love more Astrid, Apply the word Astrid,
Ephesians 4:1-2 "I therefore, a prisioner of the Lord entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you were called with all humility(lowliness), gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love." These words really tugged.. not tugged yanked with excessive force at the heartstrings. Understanding that God has given me--each of us a calling those who are his and that we should walk worthy of that calling--well this is intimidating and quite seemingly impossible--of course on our terms our self-reliance...But Paul wasn't praying to himself, he wasn't talking about how he could do anything. He was reminding us of the humilty of Christ on the cross. Jesus paid it all. All to him I owe pretty good lyrics. Leads me to these verses
Pauls sets the stage of Jesus's humilty
Philippians 2:5-7 "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who being in the form of God, did no consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant and coming in the likeness of men (verse8) and being found in apperance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even on the cross." Take a minute to reflect on these words if you will. Paul is acutely aware of Christ deity. Jesus is Lord but Jesus is also man- perfect sinless man. He willingly gave up of his glory that he shared with God in the trinity to be a man that he would show his love and relation to us. He humbled himself so much that he died for us. Oh to be so humble...I know I could never be, but to be more humble each day I could.

Back to areas of my life under construction
Ministry: So with all this flooding my mind and my singleness calling out to me as to say hey you should be more of the servant than you have been... I've temporarily taken time off of certain ministry responsibilties to think and pray and read and pray and pray and did i mention the p word involving a deeper trust and communion with God. So i took a little break from Action house youth to do so and AWANA. A part of me thinks this might be God saying we need to transition into another part of life and ministry elsewhere but there's another part that really loves and cares for the growth of the youth. I'm so personally invested in many of their lives.. it's almost heartbreaking to not be a part of them. I've seen so many in the past i've lost touch with and really hoped I could be a part of their lives still even if just ocassionally.. but with everything God promises that His will be done and that change is inevitable in everything except God. He's is our solid rock and constant. Amen!!!
So this is something yall can pray about. For me to be diligent and call me on it. Ask me if im praying for God's will to be done and taking the time away to really be in his word.
Work: Grr. I'm sadly with a college degree and without an ounce future. I don't even really remember if I still want to do what I tell everyone I plan on doing. It's become this monotonous contrived telemarketer speech of this is what my hopes and dreams are...but deep down i'm scared shitless pardon my speech.. but truth. I'm not who I expected I would be. Ten years ago I had such passionate dreams and I very well understand that dreams change, but I feel as if I've some how stopped dreaming altogether. Having to live in the confines of my parents on-going spousal abuse I feel myself loosing a little of my fight. I've become the epitome of forced praticality without the joy. Now I know there are many more who do not love what they do in life...probably to a degress far worse than I could even fathom...but I don't hate what I do.. i've become passionless in what I could do. In fact I don't even know what I can do anymore. I see the degree perched on my shelf watching me, telling me I can perservere but my heart faint in the undertow of life barely beats enough to want to strive. -- Yeah a little dramatic but that's me.
Everything else box: familia/friends
Well same thing. I suck in both arenas. Family is still confusing. My parents are so beyond help it seems it's a wonder we arent' all incarcerated for some form of attempted... ok that's a little harsh.. Mom has been deeply depressed.. this is due to her lack of what i've been battling -- drawing close to God. While spiritually we are in two very different places.. we have been struggling on the same front. Mom has been neglecting going to church for almost 6 wks and it's taken a toll on her. She knows it and fortunately she's seeing that her relationship with God is important. Praise God she came this last Sunday. Also I am forever in debt to ...for their lovely generous gift of my mom's ticket to the Philipphines to be with her mom and see her family. Thank God for his provision. Ah how can we.. can I benefit from a God who is so great and gracious. Everyday his grace is lavished upon me and mercy fills my day and until the next day still more.With Dad things are ok. He's health is bad and his spritual condition not sure. But we are better than we have been. Will be interesting to live together just the two of us.
Friends: I've been aloof.. not really sure why. I'm becoming a slight hermit and don't want to be but i feel tired and useless to most of my friends that me in small doses seems enough for now.
I've been the worst to my loving and great boyfriend. He has recieved much of the craziness of a stressed out/ self-centered/depressed at times Astrid. Constant and profuse apologies have been made and his kindness and understanding has been unprecendented. Pray that I stop being a lame-o and realize the wonderful thing God has given us in our friendship. I'm tired of writing my march life story.. will prolly blog more frequently to prevent this type of entry for the future.
Carpal tunnel and tiredness with a touch of glassy eye... i'm setting off to bed folks.
Hope you've enjoyed the ride.
Remember the good points of this entry.. anything bold and said by God and his faithful servants.. all else.. my mindless chatter
Nite yall