Today I came home at 11:00 and I decided to think and pray about the future. I sat and watching the minutes tick away the first hour and found that to be unproductive. Then into hour 2 I actually prayed. I got under the covers, blotted out every spectrum of light and was lost in thought and in communion with God. Mostly I cried and tried to figure out why I hated my job and how I could possibly continue to work knowing that each day would be dreaded.
Today I cried at work in the first hour of being there and it was a crescendo of hurt, pain, overwhelming emotions and slight indifference to an unhappy work-life. I sat and spoke with my boss about my desire not to be at work. I appreciated him as a manager and did enjoy working for him, but I didn't enjoy my job because I haven't been able to do my job. I don't like the company we work for. He let me go for the day. My knee jerk reaction was...No...stay. You have 2 months of work piling up and it's only going to get worse...but as the tears streamed down, I realized I needed to be in a place to really think and worship and humbly ask God where he wanted me to be.
Today before I even went to work, I received a text from my dad saying that my grandmother isn't doing well. He told me she stopped eating 3 days ago and is very weak. I am sad but I still hope that my mother has been able to show her Christ's love and share the gospel with her. I don't know my Enang's( endearing term for grandmother/elder in Tagalog) heart but I have faith in a God who desires that we walk with him. Please anyone who reads this, continue to pray for her and my mother. I will know more by the end of this week.
Today has been a day of reflection and thankfulness. As I spoke with Adam when I came home, I was comforted by his support. I texted women in my immediate support/prayer group and I have been equally encouraged by their prayers.
Today I've been reconciling how I can glorify God with my labor. My job is a temporary situation and I know that at this time I am very discouraged by how the company's lack of assistance has left everyone carrying the burden of 2-3 persons and still requiring work completed on their time table and no real compensation or gratitude. I know financially Adam and I need for me to work. I've been asking God to show another route. I've been writing but I know this takes time and money and well...time.
Today I listened to my complaints and my cries and I knew God heard them even before the words formed and spewed from my lips. I heard the brokenness of a woman who desires so much to live glorifying God but not knowing what that looks like in the realm of work. I understand the concept of work and being employed, have been since I was 16. I am not ambitious. I am not seeking multi-million dollar status, but I want a meaningful work, where I serve my God. Now I know that in every job I've held I've been placed there by God for reasons to serve him in those seasons.. to witness, to love, to learn, to be burdened, to be convicted....
Today I asked God if I could serve him with the dream I've had for years. I've always wondered why it's been so easy for me to pen my thoughts and be able to relate to others how they are feeling with words, that sometimes I have trouble expressing verbally. Is it a gift? In my heart I have always felt that God would want me to use this connection with others. previously I wrote as a form of catharsis of coping and although I still find much solace in writing, in the past 3 years God has burdened my heart to write for him. Will my words ever encourage or inspire someone to look toward the Maker who inspires and challenges me daily. I don't know. Another thing. I'm not a risk taker. I know that where I am has been comfortable, albeit increasingly painful these last few months...but there is comfort in not changing, in accepting the status quo of one's life and living it quietly and not ruffling any feathers. Not that I going to begin ruffling feather nor do I know of any birds nearby that I would even begin this practice. I just want my days on the earth with is brevity constant and my days already being ticked away... I want them to be worth it.
There is the book I've been reading called Her Name is Woman -by Gien Karssen. It is Volume 1 of 2 books highlighting the women in the bible. I've read these scriptures before and of Eve, Sarah, Hannah, Penniah, Miriam, and Rebekah; however Gien breathes an unassuming spotlight of truth and relative candor that I've seen each one of these women in my life. Though I've never been a widow, or at the this point know if I'm barren, or had riches like the Queen of Sheba, or been so impoverished I've been waiting to die with one last meal, or a prostitute, I've seen that through their actions and motives, these womens' lives have laid a foundation for their families, the children and it several cases for several generations to come. I'm not hoping for the success of being a notable woman in history, for I know that it will be over soon enough. I just want to leave a legacy of following Christ. I think I'm most impressed by the women who are unnamed and who God puts into the account to show us that it was their faith, not their notoriety or fame...but the fact that they magnified his fame.
Today has been tough, but good.
As I peered from under the black covers, stripping away the comfortable cotton sheets to discover that I had not gone anywhere at all, but that I had gone to a place of love and was enveloped with a radiance that can only be described as good. I tore open the sheets and readied my heart for more conversations with the Lord. Even now as I reflect, and wait on his answer and guidance for my life, I am grateful for what he has given. His Son for me. His precious treasure for a broken jar of clay.